Two Years

My mom died two years ago today. There’s always part of me that wants to go back in time. To this very day in 2012. Where I cried over her bed, where I buried my face in her neck. Where my brother held me and we cried over her together. Where my husband came to me and the weight of him against me was safe. Where I watched my Uncle kiss her 5 times; one from each sibling. I feel close to her in that moment. I feel like she was gone but still there.

The hardest part about this day is not that it’s the day she died; it’s that time moves on. Life continues to happen and people don’t remember. I don’t expect them to. I understand the reality. But it’s odd how that happens. Don’t you know how broken my heart is? Even when I’m laughing? Even when I’m making jokes?

Yesterday I woke up missing her madly yet today, it didn’t feel that way. Not as intense as yesterday. It’s ever changing. Surprisingly, these dates that linger….today, her birthday, Mother’s Day….those are never really when it hurts the most. Sometimes I think I see her when I’m out or the kids do something I want to tell her about or I want her advice on being a mom. Sometimes I just want to call her and say thank you….especially at the end of a long challenging day as a mom and a wife, I want to say….how did you do this? And that I love her so much for doing it.

I just miss her. I’m sad I can’t share motherhood with her. I’m sad that her illness was difficult and misunderstood.

So when I really miss her, I think about our best moments. If I’ve learned anything in two years, that’s it.

“My mother will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving her because I will never stop loving her. That’s just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.” -I don’t know but I loved it

Currently

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Listening to Gavin sneak down the stairs, the employees at work complain, and ah hell-even I’m complaining this week. Too much.

Eating plain m&ms with goldfish. I also forgot how yummy twix bars are. And I brought goat cheese & jam for lunch twice this week & I enjoyed that.

Drinking coffee in copious amounts. I didn’t know how satisfying a hot coffee can be at 2pm during the work day.

Wearing flowy cardigans and tank tops. I might wear it with skinny jeans or my dress pants but I love how universal and fall like this outfit feels. I can add a scarf or a long necklace and I feel like me.

Feeling excited, sad, tired, content, many things. Excited to finally graduate. Sad for this time of year. Fall is so bittersweet for me. Tired from busy days and early mornings. Content with where I am, what I’m experiencing-if only time could stand still for a moment.

The weather has been a little too much rain than I prefer but it hasn’t ruined any of our fall plans.

I want a vacation. A far away week long relaxing vacation. We are almost there.

I need to stop with my negativity. I have been so so good but this week started on the wrong foot & I’ve let it continue. I need to bounce back. I have so much to feel positive about!

I think about so many things I could’ve done (should have done) differently and it’s no good. I can’t change it.

Enjoying my time. Lately I have worked hard to focus on me time while still having husband time AND time with my kids. I’ve been enjoying my Fitbit and making time to hit my goals. I feel so much better when I do. I haven’t taken an elevator in 2 months. Steps, steps, steps! I’ve started watching Homeland while I’m also rewatching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I’m even blogging more. ;)

And I’m enjoying fall. It is my favorite.

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Scooch

I never want to forget that in the early mornings of last year, Luke would stumble to our bedroom in the dark. He would reach his hand out to find me even though I already knew he was in the room and barely awake he would say, “Scoove, Momma, scoove.” So I did. I scooched over, lifted the blanket, and he would climb in and fall back asleep. He doesn’t say scoove anymore but thank you God that he once did.

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Lucas & Gavin

I think we are finally in the swing of things as it’s now October. Mornings seems to be smoother and both boys have finally settled in to what they want for lunch and snack. Luke can still never decide what he wants for breakfast. He told someone the other day that, “I had only had 3 choices of cereal and one choice of oatmeal this morning.” I think we currently have 8 different cereals, cinnamon bread toast, honey toast, oatmeal, and pop tarts. Do you know what I didn’t have? Waffles. And of course, that’s what he wanted. Gavin wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So he has one for breakfast and lunch. And let’s face it, sometimes dinner too.

Gavin was doing really well with his new school/daycare thing in which I full expected him to be okay with me leaving him. He’s never had an issue. But now he has started crying in the morning. He doesn’t want to go to school, he wants to stay home. He’s only really cried once when we actually got to school and when I left him. Still kills me though. I like to ask my kids a lot of questions. For a long time Gavin’s favorite color was orange, now it’s red. And if you ask what Gavin wants to be when he grows up, he says, “Older than my brother.” Oh man, this one kills me. I reassure him that when Luke is going to be 42 and he’s only going to be 39, he’ll be cool with it and he’ll get all that satisfaction back that he thought he lost when Luke got to do things first. My neighbor and I were just discussing who we think has it worse….the oldest or the youngest? What say you? I say the youngest and she couldn’t decide because she’s the middle. Gavin’s vocabulary is also cracking me up. He says things like, “I want to go STRAIGHT home.” And, “Thank you, mom. I do appreciate it.” Um, what? The other day I told him how his school used to be Luke’s school and he said, “That’s very interesting.” So he’s like 80 and smoking a pipe now? No, he’s not because when he’s really pissed and doesn’t want to do something he says, “NO WAY!” Which I love, as you can imagine.

I took Luke to his 6 year check up the other day. On the way he told me all about the Titanic, the Carpathia, and the Concordia. He’s really into documentaries about ships right now. Sometimes I think he knows more than I do. He really likes to talk but only when he’s comfortable. He’s very interested in how mommy and daddy met. Who asked who to be friends first? How did we know where each other lived? And how did we know we wanted to be friends? He also knows exactly how twins are made because Uncle Mike told him at the sleep over. Well, not how they are made but how they become twins. I learn so much when he and I take our walks together. I walk, he rides his bike, he talks, I listen. I know he wants a laptop and is he old enough? (No) And how old does he have to be for a pocket knife? (30) But Spencer is 10 and he has one. (Hold me) He told me how he no longer sits by Aleeyah because he was a distraction for her and so now she moved to a different table. I asked him why he didn’t have to move and he said, “I have friends at every table mom, duh.” I also learned that he lets the girls chase him on the playground because he thinks it’s fun to run from them. Uh huh. And finally, I learned that he’s “chosen” his sports he’s going to pursue and those are baseball, hockey, and golf.

When we got home Rob asked how the walk was. I said I learn a lot on these walks.

“Like what?”

“Like we are going to be poor.”

Dog Days

The dog days of summer are over. We are in full swing school mode, getting up early, packing lunches, rushing out the door, rushing home, making dinner, going to baseball games, getting haircuts, working on homework, making chili, picking out clothes for family pictures, picking out Halloween costumes, and getting ready for the annual football game next Friday for the little Wildcats. Which I love. Luke finally lost his front tooth yesterday. It had been hanging by a thread of gum for a week now. If that doesn’t scream growing up, I don’t know what does.

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Work is really good right now. I’m feeling confident in my decisions. My director is working with me to involve me anything he can to enhance my career and I appreciate him so much for this. I have never felt so appreciated and trusted. I just had my yearly evaluation and I’m so proud of everything I have accomplished in this last year. I really really love what I do. Yes, it has its issues but I feel like I picked the exact right thing for me. I feel good about the last 5 years leading up to this point. I’ll be graduating in December. Either way I’m walking over that stage but I’m waiting to hear back about one more class I might need because regardless of the fact that I’ve finished every single class on my education plan, I’m 2 credits short. They might let one more of my classes transfer or make me take one more. This is frustrating and throws things off a bit but I’m trying to not to care. What is ONE class compared to all of I’ve done? And I think it might be able to be like a yoga class or something. The only bummer is that even though I can graduate in December, my degree won’t “post” until after the last class is done which throws off my start date for my masters program and when I can take my PHR exam but again, I’m trying not to care.

My classes this semester are not intense at all which is so different than my summer classes. These are good classes but the one class is so laid back that I keep freaking out that I’m forgetting something and the other class is more of the normal variety. I think I’m still a bit traumatized by my summer classes so I find myself being a little too intense for these classes that are NOT intense and whew! Calm down, self.

I think I already said this but I’m going to say it again. June was so crazy but I feel like June is when we did the most fun stuff this summer and we did a lot of “summery” things. I don’t know what happened in August other than Luke’s birthday. It feels like we didn’t do a lot this summer but I also feel like it was still a fun summer. We had fun! We went to the pool every weekend and ate a lot of chips and salsa. The boys love chips and salsa.

Today is Sunday. I made pancakes and sausage for breakfast, the boys are still in pj’s, I worked on homework, I put all the laundry away (okay, ALMOST, whatever!), and now I’m watching them play basketball on the wii.

Yep, fall is in full swing. I want to keep these eyes open. I’m afraid if I blink, I’ll miss it. Somehow winter never feels that way.

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