Not doing what I’m supposed to be doing

We already finished dinner.  Mexican lasagna.  It was delish.  I’m secluded in the bedroom so I can study for my Wednesday night class.  I have a quiz tomorrow night.  I’m not studying though, instead I’m blogging and getting frustrated because I have no idea what to study.  Everything in this class is so subjective.  Last week when the prof was asked what we should study she said, “I don’t know, I haven’t wrote it yet.”  She never really said, although I think based on how this class is going, it won’t be difficult.  BUT, I don’t want to not do anything and then get in there and not have a clue.  So I decided to study the terms.  But the terms are ridiculous.

It’s snowing and blowing a bit here today and we ARE under a warning, maybe class will be canceled?  I won’t be too sad about that.

More to come, of course, but I probably should get back to not studying.

Here’s a little cuteness to look at:

Roll it

Don’t get me wrong, I would cut the crust off Luke’s pb&j all day long if I had to.  I would also pat-a-cake all day long too because watching Luke “roll” the patty is about the cutest thing you have ever seen in the world.  He just skips all the patting and goes straight to the rolling.  I would post a video of it if Vimeo would compromise with me, but it seems our relationship is at odds since I tried to post a video of Luke opening Christmas gifts and Vimeo decided it had other ideas.  That idea being that it wasn’t accepting my video upload.  I’m not sure where this relationship is headed, I will do my best to figure it out.

I don’t know why it bothered me so much.  But it did.  And it did today a little bit too, I guess because maybe I had this idea that it would be that easy to find the perfect part-time job in the exact field I’m going in to while I get to finish my degree and be at home still part-time with Luke.  I really don’t think it’s that easy, or that I deserve it to be that easy but I just got excited and I could see myself doing it all and loving it.   Perhaps I’m mad at myself for allowing that to happen.

It’s February 3rd today.  That equals out to a lot of time left before Spring.  I am so ready.  I’m so sick of the gray skies and no snow.  It’s Winter.  BE WINTER.  We might be in for a storm this weekend which would not make me unhappy because I wouldn’t mind going down a  hill on a sled with Luke.

I miss my husband.  He’s not gone anywhere, and no, we are not fighting or even going through a rough patch for that matter, but we are in need of just some quality time for me and him.  Some laughs.  A little flirting, maybe.

Tomorrow I’m taking Luke back to Play World.  I’m excited, even if the exit might be a little rough, I’m still really looking forward to it, for him.  Either way, you’ll read about.

Thanks for reading.  Thanks for commenting. You make me feel better.

Well, that was lovely and completely normal

It feels like I shouldn’t talk about this because so many people don’t talk about jobs on their blogs or interviews for jobs on their blogs, but it’s no secret that I don’t have a job.

When I’m forming this post in my head it sounds ridiculous to try to write it without talking about the title of the position but let me try anyway.  Be ready for some confusion and some back story.

So back when I was laid off, there was no question in my mind to finish school.  I had gone part-time here and there over the years and then I was in a good upswing of returning for good, but then I started my new job at my last employer.  I took time off because this job required a lot of not knowing when my work day was starting or ending and some traveling.  Then I got married.  Then I wanted a baby.  Then, before I knew it, I was laid off.  And like I said, that was the first thing that came to mind.  Because it’s important to me.  Very much so.  I started out trying to work with the program our state has at getting unemployed workers back to work, but we didn’t see eye to eye on the expectations they had for me, and the expectations I have for myself.  While I see nothing wrong with a certificate in medical billing or other things of that nature, it’s not what I wanted.  I wanted a degree.  The four-year kind.  And since I had already started down that path, I wanted to finish it, not back track.  Because ultimately that want is never going to go away.  I know this is true.

I came home one day last Spring after having a last and unproductive meeting with my “case worker” and sobbed to Rob.  I had done so much research, so many calls had been made, I had done so much to try and work with this program and I had wasted my time.

“What do you want?”   He asked me.

“I want to be a stay at home mom and finish my degree.”

“Then that’s what you’ll do.”  I love him for that.  I love him so much for that.

But then, he lost his job.  And while yes, he got his job back, it also came with a pay cut.  A pay cut that while now is fine, it won’t be when my unemployment insurance runs out.  It panicked me a little but I’m not one to be pushed down so it would not be a big deal to me if I had to find a part-time or even a full-time job while finishing school.  The benefit might even be that a full-time would  help pay for that education.  And maybe! even be in the field I’m going into for experience.  Even a part-time  job doing that would be fine with me because I’m all about gaining experience.

So over this course of time going to school I have applied for jobs.  Mostly part-time, some full-time if they would be worth it.  I don’t want to be scrounging for a job the last week of my unemployment check.  Hello?  That is not me.  I apply for jobs that while no, I have never held the position but I have plenty of experience to hold the position, get my drift?  And I’m not talking VP or anything like that. It also helps to add that the degree I’m working towards is very applicable to these types of jobs I’m applying for and that is also on my resumé.

Are you with me?

Okay.

I had applied for this part-time position back in December, so I was surprised to get an email about it yesterday.  And then the woman called to talked to me and she was super friendly and we hit it off and she wanted me to come in yesterday!  I couldn’t though so I scheduled it for today.

When I applied for this job I imagined this part-time position as an administration position to help out the manager above me.   But after talking to this woman it was a little different from that but from what she told me, it wasn’t far-fetched.

But maybe it was.

Because what they are actually looking for is for someone to completely create that department and I don’t have that type of experience at all.  It’s not that I couldn’t do it, but part-time?  I was actually surprised that he expected someone part-time to carry out what he’s looking for, but that’s up to him, I guess.

It was this though, when he said, “Man, I wish my wife would have been more thorough in her screening process”, that made me want to cry.

Can you say…punch to the gut much?  Goodness gracious, buddy.  Should I get up and leave?  And this was quite early in the interview so it threw me off for the rest our little chat.

It wasn’t a total bust.  He did say quite a few positive things and he was actually quite impressed with my knowledge (I actually thought he might have hired me on the spot for something else if I wasn’t there for that) but I was just taken back by what the job description was that I applied for versus what his expectation was.  And also how his communication skills with his wife sucks balls.

But, I don’t know, I couldn’t help but feel a little like a loser.  Like I’m trying to break free of this label I have for what I do in my career but that’s all people see me as.

That maybe I should stick to cutting the crust off pb&j’s while singing pat-a-cake.

Worth it

Today started out like pretty much every other day.  Except I was much more productive earlier in the morning than I am on any other day since….well, since last semester when I had to get up at 5:15 a.m.  Although, Rob says that it’s not the same to say you got up at 5:15 if you really hit snooze until 5:45, but what does he know?  Numbers aren’t my thing.  He also gets mad at me because if something is $12.99, I will say it’s $12.00.  And he’s all, no it’s 13, and I’ll say, NO, 13 is not a deal, 12 is.  And this goes on for as long it can before I just say, yes, you are right, but I continue to do it.

ANYWAY, today I woke up before Luke and since we had some errands to accomplish, I needed to get moving before he started stirring, and then when I recalled that one of these errands involved a visit to the state government for an expired license, I also decided that getting moving needed to involve a shower.  After the shower things were still all quiet in Luke’s wing, so I took advantage of that time to even wax my eyebrows.  JOY!

We were all ready, out of the house and back in the house by 10:30 am.  MIRACLE!  Luke was on his way to nap time with his midmorning snack and I was preparing dinner in the crock-pot.  Finally, with dinner bubbling away in the crock-pot, a clean kitchen and Luke upstairs in his crib sucking on the corner of his blanket making that creaking door noise he  makes right before he falls asleep blissful slumber, I settled on the couch for a little of The View and my laptop.

And my day changed.

I got an email that could change things.  That would fit perfectly in my life.  That I don’t know if I’m ready for, but that I have to see what happens.  That I think I would love.  That maybe I’m too excited about, but that the alternative is never bad, so I won’t be that upset if it doesn’t happen.

But it’s just exciting to know I’m worth it.  That someone actually read it and thinks I’m worth it.

And that my eyebrows are gonna look great!

That Was Hard

Something happened today that was probably the worst thing I’ve experienced as a mom.  It was worse than the time I found Luke in his jumperoo with poo all underneath it, so he was basically slipping, sliding and jumping in his own poo, and trust me, that was no fun.

And neither was this.

Today we did something new, something we had never done before and I was really excited to see how Luke would react.

We met our favorite Neighbor and her son for a play date at Play World.  Play World is basically a Gymboree.   It just recently occurred to me to start doing this with him for a few reasons.  First, he is old enough now to hold his own when it comes to walking and climbing and second, I would like to get Luke around a few more kids more often.  He is around kids, but not his own age and as much as I love our time at home together, I’m also concerned that maybe he’s not getting in enough social activity.

This morning started out with some yummy french toast that he loved, some laundry and then grocery shopping.  I figured we’d hit up PW straight from grocery shopping and then we’d be all ready for nap around 1:30.  We got to PW before the Neighbor and her son and so I brought Luke into the main area and set him down to remove our coats.

Ou, ouch…what is that in my arm?  CLAWS.  I didn’t even know Luke had claws and I just cut his nails yesterday!

Okay, okay, maybe he’s like me, it takes a few minute to warm up, I understand.  I finally get our coats removed and we are sitting on the floor and he has both arms wrapped around my neck.  This happened for about twelve minutes.

I look behind me and there is a small play area with a slide.  I form my plan.  Luke loves to slide and if I can get him to go down it, maybe that will break the ice.  It does.  He’s loving it.  He’s giggling.  I try to get him to leave the slide area.

MORE CLINGING.  DO NOT LEAVE THE SLIDE AREA.  He wasn’t crying though.  The depth of his finger tips into my skin was speaking loud and clear.

Finally, when he was ready, he did leave the slide area.  And then he found his new thing, his reason for living at the moment!

He was in heaven!  Then, he noticed some balls around and he loves them so he started collecting them and putting them in the trunk.

This went on for the entire time we were there.  He had no wish to do anything else.  I tried the bouncy.  NOPE.  I tried the small kitchenette.  NOTHING.  I tried this fun tunnel type thing.  NOWAY, MOTHER.

And that was okay with me.  I just tried to let him know what his options were but he was just fine with what he had chosen.

When we first got there, there was a few kids and he was so unsure of it all, then it became empty and he warmed right up to it, but then it got really busy again and kids were coming up to him and he did not know what to do.  A few kids took the balls out of his hands.  He just stood there, sort of like this situation.  This is all new for him as it is for me.  I will do my best to teach him to share, but to maybe hang on to that ball a little tighter if someone is trying to steal it.  I certainly won’t let him do that to other kids if I’m there to see it.  I tried to be friendly to the other parents, some are friendly in return, some aren’t.

All in all though, I thought it was going well and he was being so good and he was loving it.

Then it was time to leave.

THEN IT WAS TIME TO LEAVE, PEOPLE.

And the meltdown began.

Luke did not want to leave and he was going to let everyone within a 20 mile radius know it.  Seriously, for the love of everything holy, I have never heard Luke scream so loud in my…well, HIS entire existence.   I could barely carry him, I could barely get his coat on and I’ll just be honest and tell you that I didn’t even bother to put his shoes on because there was no way he would let me so he just went to the car in socks.

I was mortified.  People were staring and talking and no, I HAVE NEVER DEALT WITH THIS BEFORE.

It’s not that I don’t expect to deal with stuff like that, but I just did not expect it today based on his actions while we had been there.  And then I felt bad that maybe I hadn’t given him enough warning but now that I think about it, I don’t think it would have mattered.  I will give him a clearer warning next time to start good patterns, whether he understands them now or not.

That was only 20 minutes of the day.  The rest of the time was wonderful and watching him explore around that place in his little car made my whole day!  I think I’ll make that a weekly date for us.  I can’t wait for Rob to go too.