Here I am. First day alone on the new job. Blog away! Ha. It’s so quiet here. It’s such different aspect of HR than I was doing before. I don’t hate the job but I’m not sure I like how small the company is. I’m alone in this office a lot. I’m a talker. I like to chat. I need to chat!

This summer is not going to be the summer of my dreams. It’s not going to be a bad summer but it’s not going to be the summer I dreamed of and it makes me really sad. But then Saturday morning Luke said, “Momma? Remember all the morning hikes we went on last year?” This made my day, my week, my summer. It makes me realize nothing has to be extravagant, it just has to be time together having fun, creating a tradition or laughing your ass off. That’s what my kids will remember.

Class starts this week. Put your tongue between your lips and make a fart noise.

I would like to know how people with three babies decide to have three babies. Or, even better, how you knew you were done after two babies? I cannot stop thinking about third baby. I have reminded myself of all the logical (and some not so logical) reasons why a third baby is nuts and when I’m done having this creepy conversation with myself, I nod with certain and tell myself that is that! BUT THEN! Three minutes later I’m dreaming of fat baby rolls. I mean, I look at Gavin and he is phenomenal. He really is. The child did some kind of jump of Luke’s bed last Thursday night and landed on his face. Blood is flowing out of his mouth and I’m certain he has smashed his teeth out. He didn’t but he did something to his gums above his two front teeth that I didn’t even know could be done to gums. They are still swollen and blue. The next day he gives himself another fat lip and when he’s coming around the corner to show me his fat lip, he runs into a table and puts a goose egg on his head. This is daily stuff. He’s like a tiny bull in a not-so-china shop but you get my drift. He is so different from Luke but in such an awesome way. I’m not trying to say Luke isn’t awesome, I’m just so amazed! The differences! And I just don’t know if can live the rest of my life without getting one more chance at watching a tiny human that I made with my husband evolve into its own person that either; never goes outside without shoes for fear of splinters (Luke)or purposefully picks up a bat and beats his brother with it (Gavin)….I JUST DON’T KNOW.

My usual question to myself in these types of scenarios where I’m trying to figure out what I should do is to ask myself, “If you don’t do it, will you regret it?”

I think I will. I know I will always say that I wanted a third baby.

I mean, come on:

It’s 6:30am on Mother’s Day. Luke came to my bed at 5:00am. I thought it was the usual morning snuggle until he said his tummy hurt. He’s been up since puking up gummy bears. He’s actually finally fast asleep beside me. Hopefully the puking is behind him.

I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since I blogged. It feels like nothing has happened yet so much has happened and I miss blogging but it’s hard to sit down on my laptop at the end of the day when all I really want to do is go to bed. Two small boys keep me busy.

I know I whined a lot about the weather. Mother Nature made up for it last week when it was basically summer for a week straight. My face is tan, we went on a ton of bike rides, visits to the park, ate our lunches outside, played baseball, had a camp fire, roasted s’mores. Glorious.

The rain finally let up and the sun was in full effect but the water in the basement was still going strong. Last weekend was the first weekend since April 13^th that there was no water in the basement. The dumpster came and we were able to get rid of all the crap that was ruined from the water but also all the crap you sort of collect because it might be too big for the normal trash. While I do feel like the load has lightened, we still have crap everywhere. Everything from the basement playroom and guest bedroom is either in our mud-room or the office and there is no playroom for the boys. Rob finally got the guest room painted yesterday. He’ll paint the living area of the basement next and then hopefully carpet will be here in the next few weeks. The biggest project though will be installing a sump pump so this doesn’t happen again. I don’t believe that statement to be true but let’s just go with it. We can’t do that though until the ground dries up a bit so we are hesitant to install the carpet before that.

Yesterday I had to go through my mom’s things to make an inventory for her estate. I didn’t look forward to the day but I found something that made me smile. I don’t know why but there are certain things that I need to know and it bothers me that I can’t ask her, like what time I was born. I looked at my birth certificate and it didn’t say the time. Yesterday I found the card that the hospital puts in the bassinet. And there was the time, 2:45am. Along with it though was a pamphlet from the hospital cafeteria. She wrote the date and her name on it and she had circled her order for dinner that day.  She had Baked Alaska for dessert. I had to Google it. Man, it looks yummy. It might seem strange, but knowing these things makes me happier. Makes me feel like I can still learn new things about her even though she’s not here, like she’s still telling me stuff I didn’t think to ask before.

Since my mom died I have had two friends lose a parent. The first one was really too soon for me. Not that it’s about me but I was still very angry at my own loss and I immediately was angry for her. I was angry when she told me what certain people would say to her and I remember hearing the same thing and thinking, why the fuck are you saying that to me?

The only other loss in my life similar to the loss of my mom was the loss of my first baby that did not live past 5 months gestation. I learned then that sometimes people just don’t know what to say but they want to say something and that’s okay. And really, it is. The goal is to absorb the good stuff. Etch it in your mind, trace it with an imaginary pencil so that later when you are feeling sad, you can remember it and play it back because those are the words that you will need when you feel your heart breaking again.

I have this secret, that when I’m feeling sad I like to go back and read the comments people left me on FB after I announced her passing.

Tonight, it was gone.

FB took it away from my timeline. Everything else turns up from September and November but October is gone. I don’t know why I like to read it. I don’t know why I’m sad it’s gone, I just know it is.

The most unexpected people will say the words you need to hear the most. Mine were from a lady I didn’t know but my mom did.

The people you expect to say the thing you need to hear the most, won’t. The first phone call I received the day she died was from her very long time best friend. My Godmother, in fact. She didn’t say anything wrong, she was not trying to be rude but all I could think was get me off the phone with this woman who is saying things about my mom she doesn’t even understand! It was only because while they were still “best friends”, they hadn’t been intertwined in each others lives for a long time. Her view was distorted and it wasn’t her fault. Hell, even my view was distorted.

I think sometimes it still is.

But I was aching to hear something, anything to make the pain feel not like pain anymore. The poor best friend was already doomed because she wasn’t saying what I wanted to hear.

Some people didn’t say too much. Some people just had to look at me, sit on the couch with me, show up when I didn’t expect them to, bake me a casserole and then at my request make me another one faster than I could even say I wanted one, tell me the speech I said about my mom wasn’t stupid even though I know it was and I was a hot mess. That’s all love.

I’m still afraid of truly forgetting her. That I might look back and think, I haven’t thought about her for days, months, a year.

I met this friend who lost her dad today for dinner a few months ago. This was when the news was fairly new to her that her dad might not make it. It didn’t take long for me to realize from her questions that she wanted answers. I had done the same thing to my neighbor who had lost her sister not that long ago; is this how it’s going to feel when she dies? How long am I going to feel like this? I can’t imagine feeling any worse, will I feel relieved or sadder? Were you sadder after the funeral or before? Were you sad when everyone went on with their lives? Doesn’t that just piss you off? How can I be so sad about someone who annoyed me for 75% if my life (this might have been just my question)? Were you just pissed the fuck right off like I am all the time?

Her answers; yes but worse, a long time, sadder and relieved, after, yes, yes, because it’s a relationship no one else knows, yes but not forever.

THOSE ANSWERS SUCKED.  But there I was, saying the same thing to this friend at dinner that my neighbor had said to me.

Because it’s true. And here I am, still sad that stupid FB took away the only thing it has that could comfort me but here I am and I’m okay. I’m still okay despite good for nothing FB.

I’m not an expert on what to say but I can say that the most appreciated comments were memories of my mom. Mainly from people who knew her in a way I didn’t, like coworkers or an old friend from high school. One person specifically said how she was always jealous of my moms hair. She had the best hair and it was capable of any style no matter what the trend, I was always jealous of that.

Oddly, I had never felt prouder or closer to her. My mom, with hair people were jealous of. You go, girl.

It might not be long before this friend who lost her dad today finds herself in my spot, sitting across the table answering the questions that only have sucky answers and feeling that tiny ache of helplessness for this person that you know is about to go through hell, just like my neighbor did for me. It’s part of life. I think we owe to each other to let each other know when it’s going to especially suck but that it’s not forever.

I ended up getting the cut & color I wrote about before. I love it. I tried to to capture it in a photo but it’s not really a good pic of what it’s like in person, it is noticeable but not too much.

I’ve been wearing my hair down so much more too so it’s working so far. I’d wear it down a whole lot more if it wasn’t RAINING EVERY SINGLE DAY.

A few months ago Rob emailed me a link to a scholarship for women over thirty who are going back to school. It was pretty in depth but I figured why not? I needed two reference letters, paperwork filled out from the college, personal financial information, two long(er) essays, and finally I had to answer 4 more questions. Answering questions & writing come easy for me but when I reread the directions it said I had to keep my answers to 100 words. That is not easy for me! How do explain how I feeeel in less than 100 words? Well, it wasn’t easy but I did it. I mailed out the giant envelope filled with about 12 pages of information today. I hope I get it but then I think there is probably someone much more deserving so if I don’t it’s for good reason. I know more than a few people get it & if I’m part of it I have to accept it at some huge Chamber of Commerce luncheon for women. I think attending the luncheon would be cooler than getting the scholarship but I must get one to get the other.

Gavin turned two on April 8th. The best part of it was when he wanted us to sing Happy Birthday to him again so we relit the candles and we sang again. I’d be happy to sing it 100 times my sweet goose.

I’m reading Tiny Beautiful Things. It’s full of so many perfect words. It makes my heart swell. I highly, highly recommend it. It’s probably the only thing getting me through this dark month flooded with rain.

Don’t worry, quotes are coming. I just haven’t finished the book yet.

In case you’ve waited on the edge of your seat, I did not get the job that involved the 5 hour 8 person interview. I’m actually glad I didn’t because I did not want it after the interview so I’m glad I didn’t have to turn them down or feel bad for not taking it. I did get the temporary job for this summer for another maternity leave. Apparently everyone who works in HR where I live is pregnant and I’m here to cover for them. Ha! I’m like the Mrs. Doubtfire for HR.

“Help is on the waaaay!”

I stopped applying for jobs because I thought it would be rude to quit this job halfway through or before I even start since I made a commitment. Um…however, I still get jobs emailed to me and this morning I woke up to my dream job in my email. Doing what I do but in a school. After much thought, I decided to apply because I probably won’t get it but if I didn’t apply, I think I would regret not applying. Got that? So I applied.

Every time I apply for a job my mind plans my entire life out as if I’d already gotten the job. This is such a blessing! NO IT’S NOT, IT’S SUPER ANNOYING and I’m a crazy person!  My first day on the new job was yesterday. I’m just working a few days in April and then starting full-time May 10th. I can tell this job is going to great experience from a different aspect of HR so I’m excited. It’s a really small hospital. The “team” is CEO, CNO, Quality Director, Materials/Accounting Director, Marketing Director, ME. It’s great to get the experience to work with people at that level but also a tad bit scary. Okay? Ok.

Gosh, I’d really like the job in that school though.