How many times will I say I miss this blog before I write more? I never thought I’d be a blogger who goes a month without writing. I can’t believe that I am. I’m sad when bloggers do that. I miss them. I love twitter but I’m sad that it’s brought an end to blogging, in a roundabout way. Maybe only for some it’s ended but I do keep reading those that write. I can’t help it. It’s really dark and dreary today. I guess it’s pouring down rain but I can’t tell from this third story window. I want to go home and cozy up on the couch with a blanket and my family but tonight I’m going to my mom’s again. We continue to clean and organize and sort while we find things that make us laugh, cry, and roll our eyes up at the heavens and say, “Why lady, why did you save so much stuff?” I found a book of notes between her and my dad that were sweet and loving and little uncomfortable. First it made me smile and then it made me hold the book away from me like a smelly diaper because ew, no one wants to read those things about their parents. I found letters between them that made me sad, sad that the marriage destructed the way it did. It makes me grateful for my own marriage. I found a vibrator in a sock.
The boys are just getting smarter every day. They fight a little more everyday too but once in a while they hug and play together and this makes me the happiest lady on earth. Luke is becoming more and more a daddy’s boy and my heart hurts just a little. There was never a time he would choose to stay with daddy over me, now he does. “I still love you mom, it’s okay, right?” Of course it is, my sweet sweet boy. I knew this day would come. Gavin is still allowing me to do everything for him so I’m not completely forgotten. He does his best to keep up or stay ahead of Luke but then there are the times he just does his own thing. He’s pretty much only going to do what Gavin wants to do. I have to admire that.
I’m pretty far ahead in the Christmas shopping department. I have the boys and all the nieces and nephews done. I’m really looking forward to Christmas. I love it. My birthday is not far behind that. Man alive, where is life going?
Work is great, crazy, annoying, frustrating, funny….all the good stuff. It’s not bad so that’s good. Here’s hoping it stays that way.
Posted by Stacey on December 3, 2013
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about giving something up. I just have too much going on and the one thing I’ve been trying to change is focusing on one task at a time. This could be at home, or work, or even homework. I just have a bad habit of thinking of all the things I have to do and panicking until they are done and all that does is completely stress me out. I’ve also been working on not rushing to get things done too much in advance. If I have to wait until the day before something is due, then it will still be okay. I’m annoying with all my ahead of time crap. Although yesterday I did complete an assignment 8 days early and got ahead on my weekly assignments for next week however! I had the time to do it. I had originally logged on to the computer to do my daily posts for school but they boys were playing fantastically and I just kept going because I could. I’m also realizing it’s okay if I sit here and do nothing as my something. Today I’ve already taken the boys for a hike and for donuts. I spent the morning mowing the back yard and picking up leaves with Gavin. Right now I don’t have too much happening (there is laundry to fold) but it’s killing me because I COULD go mow the front yard and pick up the leaves out there and I sort of feel lazy if I don’t do it. I’m trying to slow down and take breathers. It’s hard for me.
So what do I give up? I will tell you that I’ve been strongly considering giving up photography. This doesn’t include any shoots I’ve already committed to. While it is something I really love to do, it takes up time and right now my time is hard to come by. It’s also something I haven’t completely committed to, if that makes sense. I don’t have a “business”, I don’t really have plans or a formal website, I’m also pretty critical of my own pictures and I’m starting to feel it’s going to be necessary soon to upgrade my gear and I’m not sure I want to invest in that. I have no interest in learning Photoshop or fancy editing sites to make my pictures look like something they are not however that means I might need to learn a little bit more about my camera to be the photographer I want to be and I don’t have time for that. I am perfectly happy with how I edit my pictures now but if you can’t see the reoccurring theme of my life it’s that I like to get better and I like to challenge myself and especially when I have paying customers. My own family? My own kids? I love my photos because I know what I love. I know the moment I’m looking to capture.
And just as I’m typing this I just got a message come through from FB asking if I could take pictures.
How do you decide what to give up when there’s too much?
And for some reason I really want to start taking a yoga class once a week, how do I squeeze that in?
Posted by Stacey on November 3, 2013
I’ve decided to stay with my current job and I got a raise! I can’t really believe I spoke up and did that. Who am I?
We went to court today for my mom’s estate. I am very happy. I am not gloating. I am not saying, STICK it TO HIM! I’m saying the judge was fair to both of us but was also like, “Dude, you’re being greedy.” Not in those words but pretty much. That’s all I wanted and that’s what I got.
I will forever be missing my mom. But now I can miss her & know I did the right thing. That she did the right thing by choosing me to handle this for her. That for all the times I may have failed her, I didn’t this time.
Posted by Stacey on October 3, 2013
There once was a time, not long ago, when I worried continuously about finding a job one day. Going back to school felt like a no brainer but what would happen when I was done? I’m not done. And here I am. Two pretty amazing jobs. Two jobs that easily set me up for a next step. Two jobs that offer me opportunity that I wouldn’t have dreamed of having this soon to graduating or shortly thereafter. I have to make a choice. So we talked about it all weekend. We reviewed benefits, time off, future scenarios, and I thought I had it. I needed to make the change. But then I was at work this morning doing my thing. Getting it. Yes, sometimes frustrated but still in my groove. Maybe that’s comfort but I could also appreciate it. I’m tired of being new. New intern, new girl to cover leave, new girl again to cover another leave. Oy.
I like my director. I like him as a person and I value our relationship. (This is not my CEO who I don’t hate either, he’s growing on me although he thinks I’m his personal secretary) I typed an email but that seemed wrong somehow. Seeing as he’s in another state I can’t do it face to face and a letter would take too long. I knew if he opened that email he would feel slighted. So I called him. I told him about the position I have found myself in and I was just honest. He was disappointed. And asked if he could do anything. I told him my reasons why I had made the decision I did and he had some good things to share with me. He wants me to stay and now I’ll have that offer by noon tomorrow. While I think this new job could be great, I think the biggest thing with this current job is it is very challenging and I feel scared to fail. But I also get a lot of independence in this job and have the ability to make great things happen. That could be so satisfying to watch myself do that. We are in a bad place but with time and the right team, we can get better. I don’t know if I want to give up on that. I’m not sure what my independence would be like at this new job and how challenging would it really be? It’s also very focused on one aspect of my career while this job is everything you could imagine when it comes to HR. I am doing everything. That makes the learning process slower but maybe better? I’m gonna have to decide by tomorrow.
So funny how life changes. I feel lucky and blessed. I feel like I need a vacation.
I feel like I don’t know how I’m going to look at my stepdads face in court on Wednesday.
I feel like I need this week to end. Already.
I feel like my favorite time of year is being ruined by memories of last year, and now angst about this court stuff. I’m having a hard time breathing.
Posted by Stacey on October 1, 2013
This week has been a rough one. Two tests due by Wednesday at midnight. One was posted Sunday night, the other posted on Tuesday morning. Not much notice. Most professors give a lighter work load the week of a test but not my Employment Law professor. No, let’s double those assignments to 5 this week. My word. I’m really not impressed with him since his syllabus has not matched a thing he’s assigned through our online blackboard. Luckily, I’m not the only student confused since everyone is also posting messages that kindly say, uh…what the fuck is going on? The best part, he doesn’t respond. I’ve sent him two personal emails and no response.
It felt like every night after work I had something to do, meeting with lawyer, second interview, or come straight home & do homework immediately. Not feeling like the best mom at all. Friday after work I got my grocery shopping done right away so I could focus on my kids all weekend. Friday night we had an impromptu visit from the papa, MIL, and my brother which made for a fun evening. I made homemade pizzas and we all chatted. Gavin put on a small concert, I wish I could get a video of him singing. I die every time.
Saturday we got up early and headed out birthday present shopping. We came home & Luke helped me clean. After cleaning we went out to the farmers market to get more honey crisp apples & came across the most amazing pumpkins. It was not the intention to by our pumpkins yet but they were just fat and perfect with the most amazing stems. I also threw in a jar of homemade jam. Yum. Luke was itching to be outside more so I said we could drive by this nearby farm to see if it was open. It’s a little early yet for the pumpkin/farm thing but eh, it was open and they had homemade donuts so we made a quick pit stop. Gavin is so terrified of chickens, it should not be funny but it is. He shrieks and shakes and runs away. He did this at the zoo this summer too.
After the farm it was Gavin’s nap time. I headed out for a quick mani/pedi and had an hour of me time. Last night I did some more homework before Rob & I caught up on a few of the new shows out for the season.
Today I was quite lazy. I did do laundry and made dinner for tomorrow night but eh, the boys have terrible coughs and so we just tried to have a relaxing day. I even took a nap. Heaven.
Luckily since I had two tests last week, I have about 3 weeks before the next 2.
This week is going to be a game changer for a lot of things to come. I have our final court date for my mom’s estate on Wednesday and I have big job thing happening. Deep breaths.
I think the best thing of the weekend happened tonight when I sneezed and Gavin said,”bess you!”
Posted by Stacey on September 30, 2013