A rambling about working vs. not working

I’ve been home since Friday. I took off Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week. I wanted Luke to enjoy his Spring break. I didn’t want him to go to grandma’s every day. It’s fine for a 2 year old (ahem, 3 year old as of today) but not so much fun when you’re five. Luke had a sleep over with one of his favorite people on Saturday night and then we had Gavin’s birthday party on Sunday with all of his cousins. Yesterday we spent the morning hiking, going to the park, and doing a car wash. The car wash was me cleaning out the van but setting up a carwash area for the boys to wash their cars. This morning was a little rainy so we started the day with a breakfast and a movie but then the sun decided to show her face so the boys headed out to the backyard while I cleaned up a bit. They played great together building dirt ramps for their monster trucks. After jumping monster trucks for a bit we went to the bike path around the lake and fed the ducks. The boys were able to burn some energy and I was able to burn some calories because a) I was walking but also b) I had to carry Gavin’s bike most of the way around the path. Just working on my guns! I’m not sure what we will do tomorrow.

I don’t miss being a stay at home mom. I feel like that sounds like the worst thing I’ve ever said. It’s hard to explain but I hate idle time. I feel like a lot of the time at home is idle because I can’t really get done what I need to get done in addition to spending time with them. Yes, we can go on an outing and then come home and I’m thinking, we just went on this outing so now they will play nicely while I fold laundry, or clean out this cupboard, or write this paper, or pay bills, or just a bout anything but that is not the case! They might play or be distracted for 10 minutes but it’s not too long before they are at my feet asking me to do this or that or watch momma, watch! When I’m not able to stop for them for every single thing they need, I feel like a failure but I also feel like, I have this other stuff to do and they won’t let me. But if I just sit there and do nothing, they are happy. I can’t just sit there and do nothing, I must always be moving! But I can’t play with them every minute either.

I enjoy being at work because I really like my job (don’t mistake that for liking some of the people at my job). I like going there and I like getting things accomplished there. I also like getting things accomplished at home. I must have accomplishments in my life to feel validated. I can’t help it. It’s much harder for me to feel accomplished at home unless I cook a great meal or get all the laundry put away or organize and purge the clutter out of my life. Because my children are not at work with me, obviously I can get a lot done there, including homework. Employee of the year, I know.

I enjoyed being home because I never felt like I wasn’t spending time with them. I did feel like they got enough of me which is not something I feel when I’m working. It was easier to stay up late after they went to bed to get done what I need to get done because I didn’t have to look presentable by 6:30 a.m. I could easily shower the night before and throw on jeans and a fleece in the morning. There were never stressful arrangements to be made when they were sick and I have never had to think about sending my sick babies to grandma because I couldn’t miss a meeting at work.

If I ever had to choose, my choice would be to work but I think the ideal schedule for a mom trying to fit everything in is a work schedule of 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. I could easily get them off to school without rushing and be home in time to put a decent meal on the table every night instead of a decent meal one or two nights. I do miss cooking. God, I miss cooking.

Working makes life go by a lot faster for me vs. when I stayed home. The weeks are a whirlwind with hockey, and now tball practice starting, school performances, class twice a week, and homework aaaahhhhh. And this is just the beginning because soon it will be 2 boys in hockey or tball. My neighbor has two boys and the way tball practice falls she will be at a practice 4 nights a week. I find this time the most fun though for our family, we are really in a good place handling it all but I also feel like it’s zooming by.

All I can hope for is that my boys feel happy and loved. And except for Luke complaining that Gavin ruins everything, they don’t seem too scarred yet.

A new and exciting rant about how the weather sucks

Luke has been asleep since 5:15, which is about when I walked in the door. He wasn’t feeling well at school but no one called us because he did not have a fever. He said he got to lay his head down on his desk because he was having a hard time focusing on his thinking. They did take his temp but said he was fine. I wish they would’ve called especially because Rob was home today. I’m wondering if he’s sleeping because he NEEDS the extra sleep or if he’s just sleeping NOW but will be up all night because well…that will make one long night if he wakes up at like 9:00 for THE NIGHT.

I’m in a serious lull these days. I want to do all these things but because it’s still freezing outside and it snowed today even, I can’t! I’m pouting and cold. I want to snuggle up in bed and not make dinner or think about laundry. I don’t want to fold laundry (no one WANTS to fold laundry), I’m tired of sweeping the floor, I don’t want to study, and I’m tired of picking up toys. I would want to do these things if it was different outside. I don’t know why, but I would! I want to open the window above the sink while I wash dishes and I want to be able to hang my laundry on the laundry line in the back yard. I don’t have a laundry line in the back yard but I’m saying that if I did, I couldn’t use it right now and that makes me sad! Maybe I want to study outside. Maybe I just need some sunshine for crying out loud! And my children. My poor have too much energy children just want to be outside. Bikes! Golf! Baseball! “Please, Momma!”

I know, I know. I ordered a pair of shorts online and my husband laughed at me. Laughed. Like he knows summer is never coming. 

Summer is not usually my favorite. But not this summer. Oh no, this summer I am soaking up every single minute of light and warm sunshine I can. Every single minute. I will be outside, at the beach, at the pool, on a hike, and whatever else I can think of to just be outside of these 4 walls. Yes, please! 

We finally hired our summer nanny who is going to start a month early and I could not be more excited! No more lunches to pack, no kids to get up and ready. I will only have to carry one bag into work. One bag! ONE! I can feel my load getting lighter by the minute. No extra backpacks, no extra shoe bag, no blankies and sippy cups. This morning I only had to get Luke up and ready for school and it felt like a vacation. So while I won’t technically be on “summer vacation”, I’m definitely going to be living easy like the song says. And the nanny will be here all day so my boys will be sleeping in, going to parks, playing at splash pads, running through sprinklers, and spending their summer days together in wonderful sibling bliss (ha! Good luck, Nanny!). But still, I wanted them together all summer and it worked out. And if that means I don’t have to get any kids off to anywhere in the morning and I don’t have any kids to pick up on my way home…well then…I’m willing to make that sacrifice. 

 

The One with the Free Porn

Both my boys love Metallica’s song, Sad But True. Neither my husband or myself are huge fans of Metallica but Rob does have their CD and I do enjoy a few of their songs for running (uh, when I run-like, it’s been awhile). It just so happened that Rob had this song on a few times when he picked the boys up and next thing I know Gavin is requesting it every single time he’s in the car. He is in the car with me twice a day for about 30 minutes and during that time we listen to the following on repeat and always in this order: Sad But True, Bellas Finals: Price Tag/Don’t You (Forget About Me)/Give Me Everything/Just The Way You Are/party in the U.S.A/Turn The Beat Around, and Another One Bites the Dust. That middle song is from Pitch Perfect so it’s a mashup, that’s why the long title. I love this time with him even though it’s only 7:30 a.m. and he needs it the loudest it can go. But I love that he knows the words and that he just randomly shouts out the correct word during Another One Bites the Dust but not at the correct time. I also love that his favorite part to the mashup is “Hands up!” And our hands go up, as they should. I love him.

I love my husband for a lot of reasons but the other day he said something that made my heart swoon. We were watching a show together and in the show this mom leaves her daughter for a week to go on a trip she had won from a radio show. As the mom is hugging her daughter goodbye Rob says, “I could never leave our kids for a week. They would grow so much and I don’t want to miss that.” I died a little because although we’ve never discussed it, I feel the exact same way. I certainly don’t mean to sound like if you DO go on vacation for a week away from your kids that you are a bad parent. I already get homesick easily so it’s not a surprise that I would feel this way. Rob has always talked about what we would do with our kids on vacations and is not a go lay on the beach type of vacationer but to hear his reason why…just made me happy. I learned later that once he left his cat for 4 days to go plan in a hockey tournament…when he left the cat was more of a kitten and when he returned the cat was enormous and all grown up. This has always stuck with him. I was surprised by all of this cat story because he’s allergic to cats. I also love him for being allergic to cats because I don’ like cats so when our kids want a cat, we can say, “Daddy is allergic to cats.” End. Of. Story.

Last night in my finance class my professor was lecturing on the financial timeline. This included the economic downturn for businesses in Europe after WW2. One of those businesses was Toblerone Chocolates. I KNOW THAT! I know that because it’s on the Friends episode, “The One with the Free Porn.” I didn’t know that the chocolate business had a struggling time but I did know it was European and see? I am smart. I remember stuff. And! TV is not too terribly awful. When I was a child my dad nicknamed me, The Walking TV Guide. I used to like to read the TV Guide and I also like to watch a lot of TV and now….well now I still love TV but it’s not a huge priority to me over say…reading a book or going outside. My kids also love TV and I fear Gavin may have inherited my amazing addiction to it but he also chooses outside over TV so for now, I’m not too worried. I would actually rather get rid of TV altogether and only watch shows through Hulu, Netflix, and Amazon Instant Video but I’m in a house with 3 boys and sports are kind of important. I don’t think we could do it. But every time I scroll through the guide and there’s nothing on AGAIN and I’m paying a bill almost as much as my car payment, I want to scream! I’m paying the same price for something that can get me to Florida and back as I am for something that can only show me a picture of Florida. Hmmm.

A Perfect Sunday

I don’t particularly enjoy Sundays. I don’t know why that is but it’s the truth. Sunday is the day we relax. We don’t usually have too much on the agenda and we sort of keep it that way on purpose. I do homework, Rob usually naps, I make an early but larger dinner than normal, and the boys follow suit. But today we made plans because we were asked and we couldn’t find a good reason to say no. We decided to make a day of it because Rob needed new shoes and new jeans so after we met with another family at a nearby indoor playground we headed to lunch, then to the mall. The boys had a blast at the indoor playground. We headed out for Mexican with a 25 minute wait and we were scared. 2 year olds don’t like to wait. The 25 minutes didn’t seem too long and before we knew it we were all snacking on chips and salsa. It wasn’t long after that though that Gavin almost fell asleep in his chair sitting up. I quickly brought him over to my lap and he continued to nap there until Rob finished his plate. I didn’t mind holding him. To hold a sleeping Gavin is a rarity that I will scoop up every chance I can. 

We began to doubt a trip to the mall. It might be too much. But after we got Gavin out to the car he seemed awake and happy so we went for it. Again, we were impressed. Both boys were content as we strolled around the Sporting Goods store and even during the trip to the clothing store. Rob found his jeans but the shoes were a bust because they didn’t have his size. I found a sweatshirt on clearance that I’ve been craving since Christmas so we all left happy. It’s actually a men’s hooded sweatshirt that I bought for Rob as a Christmas present. It’s lined with the softest fleece ever and I’ve been stealing Rob’s way too big one when I can. Turns out! They had a small on the clearance rack. SOLD!

We were home by 4:30 and have been lazy on the couch since minus packing the lunches for tomorrow and folding the last load of laundry out of the dryer. 

Here we go, March. 

 

 

March

I’m eating dry Crispex cereal and watch Blue Bloods while I type this. It’s Friday night. Everyone is in their beds. I’m on the couch. I like to eat dry cereal when I have anxiety. I don’t know why but usually it makes my stomach upset and either it’s hungry or not so I feel like dry cereal is safe. I prefer Crispex or Cinnamon Squares. I will sometimes snack on fruity Cheerios but that is less about anxiety and more about that I just like fruity Cheerios but I’m not a fan of milk.

I don’t know why the anxiety. It could be the midterm I have on Tuesday that I’m not excited to take or study for this weekend. It could be the mini training sessions I’m starting next week with the staff to present a new process that I’m sure they will hate and complain about and how amazing that will be. It could be that I was a procrastinator this week when it came to things at work that I don’t like to do and I feel guilty about that. As my coworker will sometimes say, “I didn’t deserve to get paid yesterday but I earned it back today.” Maybe I’ll earn it all back next week during the training sessions. I wanted to take Monday off for extra time to study but before I knew it my morning schedule was already full and damn it all to hell. I guess I could leave early but that is not the point. After Tuesday I’m on spring break so maybe I should take a day off that week instead. That is not a reason for anxiety. Maybe it’s because I had to buy a new laptop right after I bought a new bed and contemplated on returning both but couldn’t. It got to be past the point of return, mostly with the bed, because as Rob said, I do NEED the laptop. It’s really not an option. I forgot how amazing it is to plug in a usb, sync my phone, and actually not have to have it plugged in constantly so the battery does not die immediately. It’s so nice.

I’m also (we both are actually) shocked on how amazing our mattress feels on this new bed. Rob has sort of always hated our mattress and I have always loved it. We’ve discussed getting a new one but I think we both know we would never really agree on a mattress that wasn’t a million dollars so we both ignored it. Turns out it was the box spring all along. I never knew how important a box spring was, I thought it just kept you from feeling like a college student and more like a grown up but no, that’s not it at all. The new bed is a platform bed and after the first night I noticed a huge difference but I didn’t say anything but after night two it was Rob who said it. And I was like, YES ME TOO! And now we are both so happy. Another important thing to mention is that I’m so so glad I did not listen to the reviews on this bed. It is such an amazing bed for the price and our mattress has not fallen through once. Maybe tonight, but I could use the laugh if it does so I’m up for it.

I finally finished a book which was really bothering me because I felt like I was becoming someone who no longer reads and I was not okay with that. Usually when I start a book and don’t have the time to continue reading it is REALLY hard of for me to pick it back up because I feel like I have to start over. I didn’t start over, I just picked it up (Where’d You Go, Bernadette?) and kept reading and was quite surprised. I’ve even started another one right after (Torch).

I have no idea what is happening on Blue Bloods now.

I posted our summer nanny position and I’ve surprisingly gotten….I think 15 applications. We are interviewing our first girl on Monday. And Gavin is almost all registered for preschool/daycare for fall and I’m not really sure how he’s going to be 3. Blah, blah, blah. People say this all the time but really. I think it’s harder for me with him than it is with Luke. He’s my baby.

February all in all was a really good month. I felt very happy this month overall. I also felt very cold and now that March will be here tomorrow, I’m really over it. I struggle with getting warm and I feel like my body physically aches. I didn’t get my new iPhone, mainly out of guilt for the above purchases and my only real reason for wanting it is for the camera….not really a super great reason however that may change if I can trade in my current phone straight up.

I’m off to bed now. I really do want to write more but given my recent history, hopefully the next time I’m writing here the snow will be gone.

(Christmas village has been put away)

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