Mostly

I spent my whole life trying to prove I could do it without you. Now I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering how I’m supposed do it without you.

I wish you could be there Saturday. And Christmas. And my birthday.

But mostly for my birthday.

Achiever

Thanksgiving break. It’s so nice. It’s so relaxing.

I’m bored.

I’m free of homework, writing papers, checking blackboard. It’s amazing. But I’ve spent a lot of time on pinterest lately and I need to get my shit together.

I’m so so happy that I’m finally done with school. It’s not that I didn’t think I’d get here but it always seemed so far away. But here I am. DONE. Just waiting to wear that cap and gown on December 13th. I wasn’t sure that I would walk. I’m 37 years old. But my dad really wants to see it. Rob and a few of my friends encouraged it. I won’t lie, when I got my cap and gown in the mail and put it on….it felt good.

But now I can’t keep thinking, what’s next? I’ve applied for my master’s. I will start that next year. I registered for and will wait patiently for the Spring PHR exam and hope to pass that. But until then? In the last year I’ve applied for jobs and turned down 2 offers and 2 invitations back. I’ve been disappointed in not getting call backs for jobs I wasn’t even sure I wanted. What am I looking for?

A few months ago my director asked me to take this test that with all its magic figures out your top 5 strengths. I did it and we reviewed them over our conference meeting last week. What I found out was interesting. One of my top five strengths is Achiever. Achievers are constantly looking to achieve. That’s how they feel successful. Even if they achieve something amazing one day…..the next day it’s as if they are starting at ground zero again. It’s as if that great achievement never happened. THIS ANSWERS SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR ME. My director goes on to list all these amazing things I’ve done this year….and I said, “But look what I still need to do?” TOTALLY TYPICAL. He laughed. My other 4 strengths really helped me understand where my frustrations stem from when it comes to my CEO. This job I have is really really good and I really love the people I work with. I have no reason to really want to leave right now. This is a great job to keep while getting my master’s and where I’ll be experience wise when that is finished will really be when doors will open. I could probably even start teaching then (which is the real reason I want my master’s to begin with). My top five strengths are so different than my CEO’s. I think I can learn to understand that maybe. Even if he clips his nails in his office (gah!).  With each strength comes sub groups. Four of my subgroups for my strengths are execute. Talk about exhausting. I MUST ACHIEVE! I MUST EXECUTE! I’m also responsible, disciplined, a relator, and focused. How much more annoying could I be?

So here I sit. I need something to do until next year. I was finally excited to start a new book but it feels a bit idle for me. I can no longer sit still very long. I would love to start projects but it’s so hard to do that with 2 boys in the house. Everything I do, they undo. Dog hair is everywhere. I did make soup! Soup is good. I think I’ll make more soup.

I also need to think about where I’m going with photography. I’m not confident enough. I get anxious every time I get asked to do it but I love when they turn out good and I’m able to hand over a cd of pictures I feel confident about. But I don’t feel very good about it when it doesn’t go as good as I want it to. The thing is though is that I get a pretty steady flow of clients without doing anything, what if I invested just a little bit more? This has been going on in my head for a few years so I really need to crack down and make a decision. Actually, I should be editing pictures right now instead of writing this blog post. Or making a meal plan. Or Christmas shopping. Or vacuuming dog hair.

Whatever. While I clearly love to execute, I think I’m a bit choosy about what I want it to be. hehehe.

A

Two Years

My mom died two years ago today. There’s always part of me that wants to go back in time. To this very day in 2012. Where I cried over her bed, where I buried my face in her neck. Where my brother held me and we cried over her together. Where my husband came to me and the weight of him against me was safe. Where I watched my Uncle kiss her 5 times; one from each sibling. I feel close to her in that moment. I feel like she was gone but still there.

The hardest part about this day is not that it’s the day she died; it’s that time moves on. Life continues to happen and people don’t remember. I don’t expect them to. I understand the reality. But it’s odd how that happens. Don’t you know how broken my heart is? Even when I’m laughing? Even when I’m making jokes?

Yesterday I woke up missing her madly yet today, it didn’t feel that way. Not as intense as yesterday. It’s ever changing. Surprisingly, these dates that linger….today, her birthday, Mother’s Day….those are never really when it hurts the most. Sometimes I think I see her when I’m out or the kids do something I want to tell her about or I want her advice on being a mom. Sometimes I just want to call her and say thank you….especially at the end of a long challenging day as a mom and a wife, I want to say….how did you do this? And that I love her so much for doing it.

I just miss her. I’m sad I can’t share motherhood with her. I’m sad that her illness was difficult and misunderstood.

So when I really miss her, I think about our best moments. If I’ve learned anything in two years, that’s it.

“My mother will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving her because I will never stop loving her. That’s just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.” -I don’t know but I loved it

Currently

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Listening to Gavin sneak down the stairs, the employees at work complain, and ah hell-even I’m complaining this week. Too much.

Eating plain m&ms with goldfish. I also forgot how yummy twix bars are. And I brought goat cheese & jam for lunch twice this week & I enjoyed that.

Drinking coffee in copious amounts. I didn’t know how satisfying a hot coffee can be at 2pm during the work day.

Wearing flowy cardigans and tank tops. I might wear it with skinny jeans or my dress pants but I love how universal and fall like this outfit feels. I can add a scarf or a long necklace and I feel like me.

Feeling excited, sad, tired, content, many things. Excited to finally graduate. Sad for this time of year. Fall is so bittersweet for me. Tired from busy days and early mornings. Content with where I am, what I’m experiencing-if only time could stand still for a moment.

The weather has been a little too much rain than I prefer but it hasn’t ruined any of our fall plans.

I want a vacation. A far away week long relaxing vacation. We are almost there.

I need to stop with my negativity. I have been so so good but this week started on the wrong foot & I’ve let it continue. I need to bounce back. I have so much to feel positive about!

I think about so many things I could’ve done (should have done) differently and it’s no good. I can’t change it.

Enjoying my time. Lately I have worked hard to focus on me time while still having husband time AND time with my kids. I’ve been enjoying my Fitbit and making time to hit my goals. I feel so much better when I do. I haven’t taken an elevator in 2 months. Steps, steps, steps! I’ve started watching Homeland while I’m also rewatching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I’m even blogging more. ;)

And I’m enjoying fall. It is my favorite.

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Scooch

I never want to forget that in the early mornings of last year, Luke would stumble to our bedroom in the dark. He would reach his hand out to find me even though I already knew he was in the room and barely awake he would say, “Scoove, Momma, scoove.” So I did. I scooched over, lifted the blanket, and he would climb in and fall back asleep. He doesn’t say scoove anymore but thank you God that he once did.

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