I’m not so certain how much longer I can be at this job and do nothing. I have to ask people for things to do every single day. I have a meeting this morning that is supposed to be the final meeting when the project can really begin. I have another project to work on this week but the person who is giving me the project direction cannot meet until Thursday. I don’t even know. I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I am supposed to be here only this week.
I’ve been on a few interviews recently and I haven’t heard anything. I just realized I never heard anything back from a job I interviewed for before Christmas. I’m so annoyed with employers. It makes me want to start a training business on how to treat employees or potential employees. A retention business. But I would guess it would not be successful because most businesses would not have it in their budget to bring me in and tell them how to not act like an ass. I never want to hear the word BUDGET again. “You are fantastic, we’d love to keep you if we can get it approved in the budget for this year!” “I’d really love for you to interview here, we are going to be adding on two positions as soon as we get it in the budget for this year.” OMG.
In a conservation with my husband the other day, I was expressing my frustration and how it’s getting really hard for me to keep up with my usual positive attitude of, “What is meant to be, will be.” And, “If it doesn’t work out it’s because it’s that’s not the right job or thing or whatever.” THAT IS ALL A BUNCH OF MALARKEY. He said, “You can’t just think that sometimes, you have to think it all the time and if you really feel that way, it doesn’t do any good to get frustrated about this stuff.”
Uh huh. Homeboy has a point but when I get crazy in my head this is what happens:
Going back to school was a mistake.
I should’ve gone with accountant. I should’ve gone with accountant.
I still could go with accountant but man, I hate math.
I should’ve just got a job at Target.
My kids will never get to go on vacation so I hope they really like playing in the back yard A LOT.
It’s too late to intern as an accountant now.
Internships are hard to find anyway.
I’m over qualified. I’m under qualified. I hate myself.
It must be me because I must be an idiot in these interviews because I’m getting the calls.
Going back to school was a mistake.
I’m not even done with school yet.
I’ll spare you the rest of the conversations in my head.
I do not like being a stay at home mom. Here’s the thing. It’s too much idle time for me. I like to do projects. I can’t do projects with an 18 month old. A 4 year old? Sort of. He’s in school part of the day and then he’s on call as a fire fighter the rest of the day so as long as he’s not breaking for lunch, I’m pretty open. But with Gavin? Not so much. And yes, I read to him and we have tickle fights but he’s also really good at playing alone (assistant to the chief of the fire house) but I swear, the minute I try to do anything he has like this super power detection device that screams, GO TO MOM NOW SHE IS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING WITHOUT YOU. Even homework is a challenge during the day. These last 7 months I’ve been working, sometimes I get frustrated that I’m doing my homework after work however, after last week I realize that I’d have to do it when Rob is home anyway. I can’t fold laundry because Gavin likes to help which isn’t helping at all because he likes to unfold the laundry or pick a piece out of the basket, shake it out, and throw it to the side. I even try keeping the piles of folded laundry out of his reach but there is only so much counter space and the child can climb. The thing is, I don’t really consider these normal every day duties “projects” because what I’d really like to do is paint stuff. You know…pinterest style. Or at least attempt ONE thing and then realize I suck at it and go back to folding or picking up the thrown laundry, but I don’t even get the CHANCE to try. If I can’t get a job, at least let me try to do SOMETHING! Now, if it wasn’t winter right now, I might feel different because we could really be doing things and I wouldn’t be trapped on my couch daydreaming about projects.
I did read a good book in January though. The first book I’ve read in a really long time. I said once that I was against reading books on a techy device. I like to feel the book in my hand and I love the smell at the library. This is all still true but I have to take back what I said. I need to eat a little crow because, really? It is very convenient to get the book and also to read it on an iPad or any device like that. The only thing I’m not a fan of is that not every book I want to read is available to be read on an iPad and this makes me sad. I’m going to save those books for the summer when I’m sitting on my deck or at the beach because I think I will still like to sit outside with an actual book. I don’t want to get the precious iPad next to water. The book was Every Last One by Anna Quindlen. It was a really good book for me to read as it was full of wonderful quotes. I didn’t realize exactly what the book was about before I read it but it was a wonderful book. And because I adore quotes, here’s a few of my favorites from the book:
“This is how I learn most of what I know about my children and their friends: by sitting in the driver’s seat and keeping quiet.”
― Anna Quindlen, Every Last One
“Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning.”
― Anna Quindlen, Every Last One
“A loose end—that’s what we women call it, when we are overwhelmed by the care of small children, the weight of small tasks, a life in which we fall into bed at the end of the day exhausted from being all things to all people.”— Anna Quindlen, Every Last One
There was another passage. One I can’t find but that sticks with me, I can’t quite remember how it goes exactly but something about how when you lose someone you love, you spend most of your time greiving the ghost of them. The future ghost of them. What they should be doing now or could be doing now.I would have to agree with that. I told my brother how I felt like that a lot when it comes to our mother. He said, “I’m just happy that when I think of her, I remember her normal…before she couldn’t remember, before she wasn’t her anymore.”
“Me too.” I said.
Although there is one thing. One time, I didn’t remember it until recently but it was the time I went to court for her gaurdianship. It was the last time she saw me and knew exactly who I was. She asked me to sit next to her, so I did. She said I looked pretty.
I was having a hard time remembering that moment. The last moment she really knew me. But then I thought of it out of no where. I’m really glad I did.
Anyway, wow. This post went way out of where I expected it to go.
I actually love to write when I’m not sure where I’m going. Too bad I don’t like to live life that way.