There once was a time, not long ago, when I worried continuously about finding a job one day. Going back to school felt like a no brainer but what would happen when I was done? I’m not done. And here I am. Two pretty amazing jobs. Two jobs that easily set me up for a next step. Two jobs that offer me opportunity that I wouldn’t have dreamed of having this soon to graduating or shortly thereafter. I have to make a choice. So we talked about it all weekend. We reviewed benefits, time off, future scenarios, and I thought I had it. I needed to make the change. But then I was at work this morning doing my thing. Getting it. Yes, sometimes frustrated but still in my groove. Maybe that’s comfort but I could also appreciate it. I’m tired of being new. New intern, new girl to cover leave, new girl again to cover another leave. Oy.
I like my director. I like him as a person and I value our relationship. (This is not my CEO who I don’t hate either, he’s growing on me although he thinks I’m his personal secretary) I typed an email but that seemed wrong somehow. Seeing as he’s in another state I can’t do it face to face and a letter would take too long. I knew if he opened that email he would feel slighted. So I called him. I told him about the position I have found myself in and I was just honest. He was disappointed. And asked if he could do anything. I told him my reasons why I had made the decision I did and he had some good things to share with me. He wants me to stay and now I’ll have that offer by noon tomorrow. While I think this new job could be great, I think the biggest thing with this current job is it is very challenging and I feel scared to fail. But I also get a lot of independence in this job and have the ability to make great things happen. That could be so satisfying to watch myself do that. We are in a bad place but with time and the right team, we can get better. I don’t know if I want to give up on that. I’m not sure what my independence would be like at this new job and how challenging would it really be? It’s also very focused on one aspect of my career while this job is everything you could imagine when it comes to HR. I am doing everything. That makes the learning process slower but maybe better? I’m gonna have to decide by tomorrow.
So funny how life changes. I feel lucky and blessed. I feel like I need a vacation.
I feel like I don’t know how I’m going to look at my stepdads face in court on Wednesday.
I feel like I need this week to end. Already.
I feel like my favorite time of year is being ruined by memories of last year, and now angst about this court stuff. I’m having a hard time breathing.