The funny thing is, right now, I feel sad. This is my third miscarriage and while that is a sad thing in itself, I feel the most sad that I can’t be the mom I want to be right now. I wanted to take my boys sledding today. I wanted to take down the Christmas tree and clean out the fridge. I wanted to watch a movie with my boys while we finish off the Christmas cookies. Instead, my MIL came this morning to pick up the boys so I could lay here in pain. I just started the second dosage of medication to move this along so I tried to get some stuff done this morning before this gets worse. I unloaded the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, and reran the washer (clothes left in, typical). I made myself a bagel with egg and cheese to give me substance to get through the hard part later and tomorrow. I am not likely to eat at times like this however I feel myself strangely starving. Maybe it’s because the nausea has subsided.
I could tell you how when we had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago, I knew this was going to happen. When they said a baby of mine was measuring a week behind, I just knew. My babies have never measured a week behind (large heads run in the family). But the thing is, everyone said, “No, it’s fine! Don’t freak out!” So I didn’t. I just went with the flow. I tried to tell myself, I could be wrong. But I wasn’t. And it’s okay. It really is okay that Third Baby won’t happen. We both wanted to try and we did, and it didn’t work out and now we know. I am so so lucky to have these two amazing boys. And that’s where my mind goes. I miss my mom today. I miss her more than anything because she would be here next to me driving me insane but bringing me chicken soup and doing my dishes. (Do I always have to say she would be doing this if she was here and it was 2003? And she didn’t have dementia yet? It gets old having to say that.) But she would be doing that and I’d be saying, “Geez, mom! I’m fine, I’m fine.” But I would love that she made eat the chicken soup because it would feel good on my tummy.
The other thing is…I’m tired of having things to be sad about. My mom is gone, this is my third failed pregnancy….God, it feels like a fucking episode of Days of our Lives. I need to just focus on what is not sad and what is so great about my life. Like how my husband completely surprised me this year with Christmas. How awesome he is at getting me what I want (followed my pinterest!) and I knew he followed my pinterest but it still just surprises me. A cook book I didn’t think he’d buy, the ecard calendar I wanted for my desk at work, and another watch that is too freaking cute. He is also awesome for leaving work on Tuesday and meeting me at home. I didn’t ask him to do that, I didn’t want to create chaos for his work but he did that. And we came home and we spent the afternoon wrapping presents and just talking. I’m so grateful to be married to him. This last year of our marriage has been full of challenges and growth, it’s so amazing how you think things can’t get any better and yet, they do.
Christmas morning was the most magical morning we’ve had by far since having kids. Luke was so excited and I heard him bounding up the stairs to tell me Santa had come. He sorted our gifts and put them in piles and was just so darn cute about it, I couldn’t stand it. We had coffee and monkey bread. I put the ham in the oven at 9:30 and lunch was ready by noon. Nothing was formal and everyone still came over to eat and we ate on small plates and the corn was so yummy. I love corn.
I’m ready for Monday. I want to be back at work. I’m ready for January 1st, 2014. I’m ready to feel fresh and rejuvenated. I want to go hiking in the snow and breathe in the cold air so deep my lungs can barely stand it. I want to move forward. The estate will be settled soon and this will be helpful. Keep moving forward. It’s the only way.