A rambling about working vs. not working

I’ve been home since Friday. I took off Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week. I wanted Luke to enjoy his Spring break. I didn’t want him to go to grandma’s every day. It’s fine for a 2 year old (ahem, 3 year old as of today) but not so much fun when you’re five. Luke had a sleep over with one of his favorite people on Saturday night and then we had Gavin’s birthday party on Sunday with all of his cousins. Yesterday we spent the morning hiking, going to the park, and doing a car wash. The car wash was me cleaning out the van but setting up a carwash area for the boys to wash their cars. This morning was a little rainy so we started the day with a breakfast and a movie but then the sun decided to show her face so the boys headed out to the backyard while I cleaned up a bit. They played great together building dirt ramps for their monster trucks. After jumping monster trucks for a bit we went to the bike path around the lake and fed the ducks. The boys were able to burn some energy and I was able to burn some calories because a) I was walking but also b) I had to carry Gavin’s bike most of the way around the path. Just working on my guns! I’m not sure what we will do tomorrow.

I don’t miss being a stay at home mom. I feel like that sounds like the worst thing I’ve ever said. It’s hard to explain but I hate idle time. I feel like a lot of the time at home is idle because I can’t really get done what I need to get done in addition to spending time with them. Yes, we can go on an outing and then come home and I’m thinking, we just went on this outing so now they will play nicely while I fold laundry, or clean out this cupboard, or write this paper, or pay bills, or just a bout anything but that is not the case! They might play or be distracted for 10 minutes but it’s not too long before they are at my feet asking me to do this or that or watch momma, watch! When I’m not able to stop for them for every single thing they need, I feel like a failure but I also feel like, I have this other stuff to do¬†and they won’t let me. But if I just sit there and do nothing, they are happy. I can’t just sit there and do nothing, I must always be moving! But I can’t play with them every minute either.

I enjoy being at work because I really like my job (don’t mistake that for liking some of the people at my job). I like going there and I like getting things accomplished there. I also like getting things accomplished at home. I must have accomplishments in my life to feel validated. I can’t help it. It’s much harder for me to feel accomplished at home unless I cook a great meal or get all the laundry put away or organize and purge the clutter out of my life. Because my children are not at work with me, obviously I can get a lot done there, including homework. Employee of the year, I know.

I enjoyed being home because I never felt like I wasn’t spending time with them. I did feel like they got enough of me which is not something I feel when I’m working. It was easier to stay up late after they went to bed to get done what I need to get done because I didn’t have to look presentable by 6:30 a.m. I could easily shower the night before and throw on jeans and a fleece in the morning. There were never stressful arrangements to be made when they were sick and I have never had to think about sending my sick babies to grandma because I couldn’t miss a meeting at work.

If I ever had to choose, my choice would be to work but I think the ideal schedule for a mom trying to fit everything in is a work schedule of 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. I could easily get them off to school without rushing and be home in time to put a decent meal on the table every night instead of a decent meal one or two nights. I do miss cooking. God, I miss cooking.

Working makes life go by a lot faster for me vs. when I stayed home. The weeks are a whirlwind with hockey, and now tball practice starting, school performances, class twice a week, and homework aaaahhhhh. And this is just the beginning because soon it will be 2 boys in hockey or tball. My neighbor has two boys and the way tball practice falls she will be at a practice 4 nights a week. I find this time the most fun though for our family, we are really in a good place handling it all but I also feel like it’s zooming by.

All I can hope for is that my boys feel happy and loved. And except for Luke complaining that Gavin ruins everything, they don’t seem too scarred yet.

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1 Comment

  1. Jenna

     /  April 9, 2014

    Granny told me once “the baby moves out and the guilt moves in” (the womb, she meant) and i have to say no matter what i do: stay at home mom, work, work but have summers off, work but go in 2 days/week for the summer to help, do nothing, give all my attention …its like no matter what, i feel GUILTY. Guilty for not doing what i “have” to do like chores & shit or guilty because I’m working from home and will’s “bored.” Cant win, I say. Motherhood is hard. Dads have it easier, i think. (Might have just opened a can of worms with that statement but its what i believe, hands down)

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