Hand Written

I cried for her today during my run. I wasn’t feeling particularly sad before my run but she has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s odd, the place where my mind goes when I run. It’s half prayer half day dream (with a dose of get me the fuck off this treadmill). It’s usual for me to listen to music and plan out the next song I want to keep me at my pace but today I let my iPhone be in charge and suddenly I was crying and listening to a song I didn’t remember I would normally avoid.

I’m in an odd place these days when it comes to death and what happens to us then. I didn’t come here to write to get into any of that but silently in my mind I couldn’t help yelling, “Where are you? I miss you.”

As soon as the song was over I was back in my zone. But when I walked through the kitchen after my run I noticed a recipe card sticking out of the cupboard. Oddly it’s a cupboard I don’t keep recipes in. A recipe she had hand written. I yanked it all the way out and examined her writing.

There she is.

At My House

A household chore I enjoy:

Hmmm. I actually enjoy cleaning altogether. I don’t mind most of it but I hate cleaning the bathrooms. Hate. Interestingly enough, when the bathrooms are clean I feel the most happy I’ve done it than the other chores I do.

The biggest house disaster:

Obviously the toy room is a disaster but I’m going to have to say the purple room. That damn purple room that is still purple. It’s our office but it ends up being a catch all for everything we don’t want to deal with right this minute. Surprisingly, the closet in that room is quite organized though. It’s where I keep wrapping paper, office supplies, pictures, and the artwork from the boys that I don’t want to throw away.

Before company arrives, I hide:

I’d hide toys, of course, but I’m more likely to sweep or vacuum up dog hair. Dog hair everyday all day.

Most recent music download:

Down in the Valley by The Head and the Heart

The last thing I bought online:

New running shoes!

I hate to shop for:

Most people might be shocked that I actually hate to shop for something! I really hate to shop when I need something specific. I’m more of a browser waiting for something to strike me (I get struck a lot). I also hate shopping for purses or shoes. I like to use these things for a long time and get upset when it’s time to replace these items. Also, bras.

Favorite family ritual:

Weekend pancakes with bacon or sausage.

When we measure the boys. We keep track on the back of Gavin’s closet door and its complete random. We usually do it twice a year. We all go up to Gavin’s room and Rob gets the measuring tape and precisely marks their height on the door. We always end up hanging out in the room wrestling or playing around for an hour or so. It’s one of my favorite things we do. Also, Friday night bonfires in the spring, summer, and fall.

I sleep in:

Pj pants and a t-shirt.

I have a style crush on:

Anything Lou&Grey from Loft. Yes, please and thank you. Also, my Hunter boots. I would give away or live without all other boots but these boots.

What’s up with the _______ trend?

I guess I wonder about Truth Is that the kids do these days on Face.book. Weird. Also, bae. That’s not a word.

How did I ever live without?

My iPhone. iLove it. Always have, always will. I love the internet and Twitter and all of it. I don’t have as much time for it but I still love it.


I’ve been thinking lately how easily it is for me to remember Luke as a baby. Every feeding. Late nights pumping. Morning snuggles. The first things we did together as mommy and baby. It’s all there in my mind and I can go back there in a heartbeat.

I don’t remember Gavin’s newborn days like I do Luke’s. It’s not as vivid. But the interesting thing is that I don’t remember Luke being three. Gavin is three. I love three. I try to remember Luke being three and I can’t.

I know I experienced both of these things. I know I was there and I was present but….I don’t know, but what?

They are both awesome. I know that.



Currently: January


I’m currently reading Lies You Wanted to Hear by James Whitfield Thomson. Seems good so far.

Currently listening to my boys watching a movie with daddy downstairs. I’m squeezing in a few minutes of alone time before its time to get ready for Monday morning already.

I’ve been watching Netflix on my iPad before bed. Usually it’s Call The Midwife or Blue Bloods. I haven’t been able to catch up on Downton Abby yet because my children make watching TV extremely difficult and my life is not my own.

Fried egg sandwiches are my new favorite thing. A fried egg, a slice of cojack, fresh tomato slices….between two pieces of toast. Yum.

I’ve been drink a lot of water. I’m training for a 10k and because of where the treadmill is located in our house, I’m sweating way more than usual. Water. Water. Water.

I’m really loving that I’m running again. Running is one of those things that I can hate so much….and then when I get done and I’ve done it and I get so far, I’m so happy that I did it.

I really hate Sundays. I always have but instead of just hating them and complaining about it, I decided to change it. Or at least try. I’ve been planning bigger meals for Sunday dinner and I’ve been baking. I made blueberry muffins and chocolate oatmeal cookies. I get up and clean for a bit or start laundry, I get my run in, and then spend sometime in the kitchen. After that I’m trying to read a book or watch a movie. Last week I did some work so I could start out Monday ahead of the game.


I’m not really sure I’m dreading anything. I have a big presentation at work tomorrow that I’ve been nervous about but I’ve practiced it about 50 times so I’m feeling good about it. I don’t get nervous usually, I do this all the time but this one is a conference call presentation with my peers so I feel a little more intimidated. I haven’t actually met these people either which can probably be a positive or a negative. I just keep reminding myself that everyone will be on mute and will probably be multitasking during the entire call which is what I usually do during these calls.

I’m waiting for spring. Who isn’t? But I’m also patiently waiting for our mini family vacation in the middle of February. Five days off. A surprise for the boys. It will be fun.

I’m dreaming about summer. The pool. The park. The beach. A summer vacation. Bon fires. I could think about it all day.

But until then we do this.


Oh, and I turned 38.



I spent my whole life trying to prove I could do it without you. Now I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering how I’m supposed do it without you.

I wish you could be there Saturday. And Christmas. And my birthday.

But mostly for my birthday.

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    togethertheycome at yahoo dot com
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