40 

Today I turned 40. I resisted any sort of celebrating until I couldn’t resist anymore. My friends and family wanted to celebrate with me. And I’m so lucky to have that in my life. 

I know it’s just a number, but it feels sad to me. I know I have a good life and I have amazing things to look forward to but it also feels like a chapter is closing. 

2017 is the year I have chosen to stop feeling regret. But today, on my birthday, it’s hard. 

I had a dream about her. I didn’t see her but I heard her. She said, “I’ll be at the party later.”  

I hope she was. 

#theyeariturned40 

My Favorite Time of Day 

It depends on the day but I do mostly enjoy bedtime. 

I enjoy early quiet mornings with my coffee. 

I enjoy dinner time when everyone likes what’s for dinner. 

I enjoy 8:00 p.m. which is usually couch time and I find myself smothered in 8 and 5 year old hugs and stinky feet. And the dishes are done. 

I enjoy accidental late night conversations with my husband. 

#theyearIturned40 

Favorite Song Lyric

Because there could never be just one. But when I saw this; I immediately thought of four:

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it“-Taylor Swift

You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself
Today...”-Joshua Radin

Please don’t stand so close to me
I’m having trouble breathing
I’m afraid of what you’ll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you’ll understand” -Christina Perri

I wish you’d hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don’t have a choice but I’d still choose you“-The Civil Wars

#theyearIturnedforty

2017

Last year, instead of resolutions, I created a vision board for 2016.

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I’ve looked at it a few times through out the year. Let’s start at the top and go from left to right.

I have remained focused and I only 4 classes left. FOUR. It’s still a full year though and I’m so so ready to be done.

I have a enjoyed a drink now and then. It seems hard for other people to understand that I don’t really drink. This is a new thing I’ve been insecure about as of lately. That people think I’m funny and I do have a fun personality so they want to hang out with me….but I’m not what you think once we are hanging out. Because while I’m funny and humorous in conversation I’m also on the move a lot, I get lost in my work, I spend a lot of my time doing homework, my family is my number one priority, and all of this means that I don’t relax and hang out well at all. I don’t let loose and enjoy a few so that I wake up with a headache the next day. I have breakfast to make for my children or I want to get up early to go for a walk so I can listen to my podcasts quietly like the introvert I truly am. It feels to me that I disappoint people. I am certainly not judging those who can do that; relax and hang out really well. It’s just not me. Because if I am not moving, if I am not accomplishing things, then I am not happy. That IS my relaxing. I understand that is not fun for people which is why they probably think I am not fun when I want to go to bed early.

Ah, the Smoky Mountains. The goal was to take the children there with us in October for our 10 year wedding anniversary. Instead, we went to Mackinaw Island alone without them. Of course we missed them but man, we had a lot of fun alone and we still have a lot of fun alone which reminds me of why I married the man I did. And also, he is not disappointed in my ability to keep moving except maybe when we hiked the 8.2 miles around the island but he did not complain and humored me all of the way.

Unfortunately, I did let people walk through my mind with their dirty feet. But I am WAY better about it and I will continue to work at this.

I did enjoy a winter hike. I just love being outside when it’s cold. Well….between 25 and 38 is really the sweet spot.

Yoga. Oh my love for yoga is still there. I’ve spent many early mornings doing yoga but I wouldn’t say that it was the year of yoga, not like 2015 was. This year was the year of really long walks while listening to podcasts. All still lovely.

Laughing is the best. I did laugh.

The beach. I spent many days at the beach while we camped at our campground. This year will be no different, I hope.

Rob and I celebrated 10 years of marriage in 2016. Our marriage NOT perfect but I think Rob would agree that the arguments that we have now are so very different than they were in the beginning and that most of the time we end up saying, “This is ridiculous, we can figure this out, we are on the same team.” And that’s what we do. We remind each other we are on the same team, fighting for the same thing.

Running. I have not forgotten that I love to run but it doesn’t fit right now. I use walking for me time. My time to watch my shows if I’m on the treadmill. My time to listen to podcasts when I’m outside. I can’t do those things and run. Because when I’m running, I’m listening to music. I still enjoy a run now and then and I did do some running throughout the summer and fall but for now, it’s long walks. 2018 is my year  I will run a half marathon so running….I’m coming for you.

I talked a lot less this year but that is another goal for 2017.

I focused on my career a lot this year and it paid off. I will continue to focus but I’m in a good place and I’m ready to stop, listen, and learn a little bit this next year as I begin a new position.

I’m very grateful for my family, for our summer getaway, and I do believe I slowed down enough to enjoy every minute. Closing my eyes to smell my kids beachy heads when they would plop down on my lap to eat their lunch after swimming is my favorite.

My dad. I would say I spent more time with him than I actually intended to when I made the vision board. My dad moved in with us in June and just left 2 weeks ago. It was nice to have him here on some levels but way too much to have him here and so close to our family on a day to day basis. There’s just some things that parents don’t need to know when you have your own family.

The most interesting thing about this vision board is that I intentionally left anything photography related off the board. I was planning on slowly easing that out of my life but the next thing I knew I had booked a wedding, several family sessions, and my website was launched. Whoops. I still never know where I’m going with it but it was quite the busy fall with photo shoots so I just keep going with the flow.

#theyearIturnedforty

The Race Against Time

Here we are. The end of 2016. I cannot believe this is Luke’s eighth Christmas. I also know that this could be the last year Luke truly believes in Santa. I really want to tell him. Rob and I discussed it and decided to wait but we will tell him next year. I want to be the one to tell him about the magic. I don’t want somebody else to tell him it’s a lie-because while one could interpret it that way, it really is magic. And it’s so many other things too.

As this year wraps up, I find myself being reflective. I don’t know if it is the end of the year for me or if it’s because my birthday comes at the beginning of the year but this is when I really spend time thinking about life. It’s always been this way for me. Next month I’m turning 40. 40 years of age. That’s 40 Christmas’ if you’re counting.

One might say that I’m having a mid-life crisis. I would say that yes, I definitely am. I’m not buying a brand new red corvette or dreaming of affairs with younger men (because I totally love my husband and everything) but I AM a little obsessive over my skin and how I old I think it’s looking by the day. Because of this I’ve invested in 2 different types of masks that I’m rotating twice a week. I also think my ass is beginning to sag however, when I mentioned this to my husband that I felt as though my ass was starting to look like a granny’s, he responded, “I’ve never seen a granny with an ass like yours.” Like I said, I love him. I’ve come to care too much about where I am in life. It just feels like I’m behind people my age. And that people who are 30 are where I’m at right now….which in reality; I don’t care. BUT THEN! I think about how I have 10 years on them and then I think of how old I am and how basically death is right around the corner and blah, blah, blah, I’m annoying. I KNOW. I don’t FEEL old nor do I think I LOOK old but the number is REAL. And I don’t know, I don’t know if I feel this way because of 40 or if this is something I have thought about  a lot since my mom died. Because I think about it a lot….like when she turned 40 did she know that she only had 19 Christmas’ left? It makes me sad to think of that.

I spent my 30’s in school. I went back to school when I was 33. And I’ll be graduating with my masters at 40 (pretty much 41 by that point) and during that time I’ve interned, hired, graduated, took the PHR exam, got a new job, and just recently got a promotion. That is a whirlwind of 6 years. I wouldn’t change it for the anything because I love my job, I love my life, but what I struggle with is the passing of time…..it’s going so fast and what am I missing? So writing about this is making me feel really whiny when I HAVE NO REASON TO BE WHINY. Am I the only person who ever wonders how other people do it? What are they thinking? Are they feeling old? Young? Are you wondering what your “style” is when trying to decorate your house? So basically by the end of this whirlwind, which I anticipate to end when Gavin is 18, I’ll be 52. FIFTY TWO. And maybe then I’ll be able to do all the things it feels like I can’t do now. And also by then maybe I can have nice things because boys.

Or I anticipate this to feeling to end once 40 settles in and I realize that life will not actually end at 40 and it will begin as says all the people who say things like that.

 

 

 

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