Homesick, Work, and Sundaes with Luke

This weekend I’ve been invited to a Girls Weekend. I tried to back out 3 times but that didn’t work out. I mean, yes I could really back out and could be all, FUCK OFF but I’m not going to do that. I don’t really like to go anywhere that involves my husband and children not being there. Minus Target, grocery shopping, and work. And there’s the occasional girls night, dinner, or coffee with my friends but other than that, home is where my heart is. I’m homesick before I even go. I’ve been invited to a conference in May for work which is actually quite a big deal to be invited and yes the overachiever in me squealed with delight when I got the formal invitation but the little girl in me got homesick immediately when I was going back and forth with the travel agent about flights. Long sentence. Probably bad English. Don’t judge me.

Plus there’s all the things I DO on the weekends that are important to the process of the week that follows and when I get home I’ll be all behind and stuff and that gives me anxiety. I guess whatever because I’m going.

I was feeling a little loserish today because….well, I’m not really sure why but then I realized that in the last 10 weeks I’ve gone from running zero miles to running 6 miles straight consistently 3-4 days a week. For 5 weeks I’ve been studying 2 hours a day for an upcoming test that I really really want to pass. I’ve learned A LOT in the last 5 weeks and I still have long way to go but man, A SHIT TON OF INFORMATION. I feel smarter. Those 2 things alone are good and I need to stop that loser crap.

I actually do know why I feel loserish and it has to do with work and how sometimes at work I feel like I’m trying to do everything on my own. That’s okay for awhile but it tends to make me bitter and unmotivated which results in me not accomplishing things at the pace I like to accomplish them with the success rate that I deem acceptable-mainly because I CAN’T do everything on my own and then I tend to sit and stare at my computer. This will pass-it always does. I’m giving myself this weekend to recharge and get right back at on Monday. (But, you know…update resume? CHECK (just in case))

In other areas of life, I’ve sort of failed at some of my resolutions. I really didn’t want to buy things I didn’t need but alas….need it? Want it? It can be a fine line or a really thick one. I would guess 30% have been thick. I have, however, spent more money on experiences and that is making me happy. That was the ultimate goal. We were just getting ready to plan one more trip when the refrigerator died and we decided eh, we can still take that trip but closer to home.

I have done something else that I’m….regretting. Regretting? Strong word. I don’t think I regret it but it is something that I need to turn around and it’s totally doable but I need to be careful doing it so that other people don’t know I’m turning it around until it’s already turned around and it’s too far gone for anyone to notice it changed. This has to do with work and it isn’t negative or positive but it is important to me. Yes this is vague but I’m only really writing it here so I know I wrote it and I’m acknowledging it  for my own accountability.

Luke has cried a drop off a few days this week. Monday was especially terrible. I even got a phone call from him telling me how he loved me a lot a lot and missed me more than anything. Later in the day I got an email from his teacher telling me he had a particularly rough morning with tears and everything because he missed his mom and she reassured me that after the morning he was fine with smiles and laughter with his friends. I got the email at 1:30. I had a meeting scheduled at 3:00 but I cancelled that and left early. I surprised him by picking him up (instead of Daddy) and I took him to McDonald’s for sundaes. We ate sundaes and talked about life. He does really miss me but he thinks it would be better if we could do things more often together, just the two of us. He really likes science right now and he’s learning all about the 5 senses. He invented a game on the playground for him and his friends to play…all the wood-chips are hot lava and you have to figure out how to not touch it. He doesn’t have a name for this game yet but he will think of one soon. He did think of one and he told me on Tuesday (I forgot). He’s still thinking about being firefighter but isn’t ready to make just one choice because running a cupcake shop would be cool too (cupcake wars much?). All of his friends have older brothers at this school and he doesn’t but he will get to be the older brother when Gavin gets to his school which will be cool and he hopes Gavin has his same teacher because that would awesome. He would also really like an extra xbox controller but I told him he needs to earn it. He’s not sure how he feels about that at this time.

I love talking to him. I forget how hard it is sometimes to really listen with the morning rush and the hustle and bustle of each evening. It’s all such a blur. I can’t tell if it’s blurry from spinning or blurry from the slow motion. It feels like both most of the time. A fast slow motion.

Hand Written

I cried for her today during my run. I wasn’t feeling particularly sad before my run but she has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s odd, the place where my mind goes when I run. It’s half prayer half day dream (with a dose of get me the fuck off this treadmill). It’s usual for me to listen to music and plan out the next song I want to keep me at my pace but today I let my iPhone be in charge and suddenly I was crying and listening to a song I didn’t remember I would normally avoid.

I’m in an odd place these days when it comes to death and what happens to us then. I didn’t come here to write to get into any of that but silently in my mind I couldn’t help yelling, “Where are you? I miss you.”

As soon as the song was over I was back in my zone. But when I walked through the kitchen after my run I noticed a recipe card sticking out of the cupboard. Oddly it’s a cupboard I don’t keep recipes in. A recipe she had hand written. I yanked it all the way out and examined her writing.

There she is.

At My House

A household chore I enjoy:

Hmmm. I actually enjoy cleaning altogether. I don’t mind most of it but I hate cleaning the bathrooms. Hate. Interestingly enough, when the bathrooms are clean I feel the most happy I’ve done it than the other chores I do.

The biggest house disaster:

Obviously the toy room is a disaster but I’m going to have to say the purple room. That damn purple room that is still purple. It’s our office but it ends up being a catch all for everything we don’t want to deal with right this minute. Surprisingly, the closet in that room is quite organized though. It’s where I keep wrapping paper, office supplies, pictures, and the artwork from the boys that I don’t want to throw away.

Before company arrives, I hide:

I’d hide toys, of course, but I’m more likely to sweep or vacuum up dog hair. Dog hair everyday all day.

Most recent music download:

Down in the Valley by The Head and the Heart

The last thing I bought online:

New running shoes!

I hate to shop for:

Most people might be shocked that I actually hate to shop for something! I really hate to shop when I need something specific. I’m more of a browser waiting for something to strike me (I get struck a lot). I also hate shopping for purses or shoes. I like to use these things for a long time and get upset when it’s time to replace these items. Also, bras.

Favorite family ritual:

Weekend pancakes with bacon or sausage.

When we measure the boys. We keep track on the back of Gavin’s closet door and its complete random. We usually do it twice a year. We all go up to Gavin’s room and Rob gets the measuring tape and precisely marks their height on the door. We always end up hanging out in the room wrestling or playing around for an hour or so. It’s one of my favorite things we do. Also, Friday night bonfires in the spring, summer, and fall.

I sleep in:

Pj pants and a t-shirt.

I have a style crush on:

Anything Lou&Grey from Loft. Yes, please and thank you. Also, my Hunter boots. I would give away or live without all other boots but these boots.

What’s up with the _______ trend?

I guess I wonder about Truth Is that the kids do these days on Face.book. Weird. Also, bae. That’s not a word.

How did I ever live without?

My iPhone. iLove it. Always have, always will. I love the internet and Twitter and all of it. I don’t have as much time for it but I still love it.

Big

I’ve been thinking lately how easily it is for me to remember Luke as a baby. Every feeding. Late nights pumping. Morning snuggles. The first things we did together as mommy and baby. It’s all there in my mind and I can go back there in a heartbeat.

I don’t remember Gavin’s newborn days like I do Luke’s. It’s not as vivid. But the interesting thing is that I don’t remember Luke being three. Gavin is three. I love three. I try to remember Luke being three and I can’t.

I know I experienced both of these things. I know I was there and I was present but….I don’t know, but what?

They are both awesome. I know that.

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Currently: January

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I’m currently reading Lies You Wanted to Hear by James Whitfield Thomson. Seems good so far.

Currently listening to my boys watching a movie with daddy downstairs. I’m squeezing in a few minutes of alone time before its time to get ready for Monday morning already.

I’ve been watching Netflix on my iPad before bed. Usually it’s Call The Midwife or Blue Bloods. I haven’t been able to catch up on Downton Abby yet because my children make watching TV extremely difficult and my life is not my own.

Fried egg sandwiches are my new favorite thing. A fried egg, a slice of cojack, fresh tomato slices….between two pieces of toast. Yum.

I’ve been drink a lot of water. I’m training for a 10k and because of where the treadmill is located in our house, I’m sweating way more than usual. Water. Water. Water.

I’m really loving that I’m running again. Running is one of those things that I can hate so much….and then when I get done and I’ve done it and I get so far, I’m so happy that I did it.

I really hate Sundays. I always have but instead of just hating them and complaining about it, I decided to change it. Or at least try. I’ve been planning bigger meals for Sunday dinner and I’ve been baking. I made blueberry muffins and chocolate oatmeal cookies. I get up and clean for a bit or start laundry, I get my run in, and then spend sometime in the kitchen. After that I’m trying to read a book or watch a movie. Last week I did some work so I could start out Monday ahead of the game.

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I’m not really sure I’m dreading anything. I have a big presentation at work tomorrow that I’ve been nervous about but I’ve practiced it about 50 times so I’m feeling good about it. I don’t get nervous usually, I do this all the time but this one is a conference call presentation with my peers so I feel a little more intimidated. I haven’t actually met these people either which can probably be a positive or a negative. I just keep reminding myself that everyone will be on mute and will probably be multitasking during the entire call which is what I usually do during these calls.

I’m waiting for spring. Who isn’t? But I’m also patiently waiting for our mini family vacation in the middle of February. Five days off. A surprise for the boys. It will be fun.

I’m dreaming about summer. The pool. The park. The beach. A summer vacation. Bon fires. I could think about it all day.

But until then we do this.

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Oh, and I turned 38.

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