Letter Number One

(This is the first letter I wrote the Baby that started when I found out….and I’ve been saving it in my drafts but now I want to post it because it actually annoys me that I’m going to be posting letter number two soon, without posting letter number one.  It’s rather long, so skim if you want…)

Dear Baby,

12-9-07

It’s Sunday and I’ve realized I’m 4 days late.  I realize this in the morning and spend an hour or 2 recounting the days because I’m not really sure how I could be.  But, I am.  I forget about it for a little while but basically, I need to know.  I expect I’m not but just need to know so I can relax and patiently wait to saddle up the cotton pony.

I go to Walgreens at 9:30 pm and buy the cheapest test I can find.  It’s positive.  As I stand there observing the positive sign, I can’t help but think about how I’ll never have that feeling that first time moms-to-be get to have.  How I have to tell my husband (who is waiting outside the bathroom door) that yes it’s positive but we have a to wait to find out if it’s actually going to be real or not this time.  I hate that those feelings have been stolen from me by real hard core disappointment and my own stupidity. 

I tell him and we both laugh.  We were not even trying.  In fact, we were even practicing our birth control method (NFP).  How did you sneak in there like that?  He hugs me.  “We will just wait to get excited.  That’s all we can do”.  We decide right then not to tell anyone until we are at least 12 weeks.  The doctor had assured us that she could be pretty positive by about 8 weeks that you would be okay and proceed as normal, but we want to be extra sure and not disappoint your future Uncles, Aunts and Grandparents.  You will come to know soon enough that your family, especially my side, is desperately sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for you with love that is busting at the seams.  And all the while, keeping their mouths shut while they wait for our year to be up.  Wow, they will be happy if this works out because they are not expecting you this soon!

12-10-07

I called the doctor today.  They are so reassuring.  I really love this doctor a lot and it’s so much better then the first 2.  They are sending me for blood work already tonight and then I go again on Wednesday and I’ll find out some information on Thursday.  I was afraid the doctor would be upset since it’s only been 6 months since the miscarriage but she was so not worried about it.  They treated me like a real patient and with extra care.

12-11-07

I’m feeling really good.  Too good.  Emotionally.  I feel very peaceful and calm.  I feel more ready then ever to be a momma.  I also feel very good physically, which I know it’s early but I felt bad instantly both times before.  This of course, gets my hopes up, but I’m honestly prepared for anything.

12-12-07

I got more blood work today.  I try to tell by the lab techs face if she knows anything but she just looks at me with sympathy like she always does because I’m in there so much.  I almost feel like I should invite her over for Christmas dinner because I see her so much.  I’m trying not to count my chickens but today I’m already thinking about daycare and names.  It’s hard not to do that.  Even over dinner Rob and I say things and then stop ourselves and then start it again 15 minutes later.  It’s so hard not to do it.  I end up going to bed at 7:00 and sleeping all night until morning. 

12-13-07

I’m supposed to call the doctor today for the blood work results.  I’m scared.  Scared they won’t know a thing and I’ll have to keep waiting.  Waiting is really hard for me.  I’m pretty sure they won’t have an answer. 

I called the doctor and I love that I have to explain my situation every time I call.  That’s not their fault or mine, it just sucks. 

12-14-07

Yeah!  Good news!  The doctor says my numbers have doubled as they would with a normal pregnancy and they want me in for an ultrasound on Monday.  This makes me and your dad happy but we are still trying to remain calm and patient for the next 12 weeks.  Last night I fell asleep at 8:00 and woke up at 2:00am.  Oy.  I’m not sure why I’m having this sleeping problem.  I relocated to the couch and watched Roseanne on dvd until 5am.  It’s weird that no one knows.  It sort of makes it not real, yet it’s kind of nice to have a secret.  I don’t know.  We just really want you to be okay.  I’m already wondering if you will look like me or your dad.  I don’t care….I just wonder.

12-17-07

This weekend was good.  Last week you had me starving every single day.  Seriously, I would eat and 20 minute later my stomach would be growling again.  Not so much today.  I don’t feel bad but I’m not hungry.  I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for bfast and I felt okay, but not perfect.  I really want a soda on ice today.  I’m still not hungry and it’s 1:30pm. 

I’m going for my ultrasound today and I’m a bit nervous.  I’m not sure what we are going to find out and that’s hard.  I’m not sure we will really have the answer we want for awhile.  I’m scared today.  Scared to be a parent.  Scared I’m going to feel sick all the time for the next 34 weeks.  All I really care about is you getting here safely but I can’t help it.   I’m kind of, no, I am a baby when it comes to feeling nauseous.  It’s very hard for me. 

Update 12-17-07

I just got back from the doctor.  We saw you and you are perfect so far.  Every thing looks so good and we even saw and heard your little heart beating.  We were wrong, they could tell us that you are normal and healthy and not at all like the first two pregnancies.  I love you so much already.  I thought I was feeling a little sick today but when we left the Dr.’s  office and your dad said, “I think I’m going to throw up”…hehehe, maybe he’ll have the morning sickness.  He is so excited for you.  He is already making lists of the all the stuff he needs to accomplish before you get here.  

Just stay put now, okay?   Keep sucking the energy out from underneath me and do what you need to do to get here safe.  I don’t care what I have to do.  I love you. 

12-18-07

All I want to do today is cry.  I’m afraid.  I did my usuall digging on the internet and came up with several stories of people that saw the same thing we saw yesterday and it still turned out to be a partial molar pregnancy.  Just when we were planning on telling just our families on Christmas, I decided noway am I telling a single soul.  It’s just not fair.  I hate myself for looking on the internet, I hate that life has to be so challenging.  I hate that last night I was so certain you were healthy and today I feel like I can’t even enjoy it for a minute because it’s going to be ripped out from underneath me at any second.  My heart feels like someone threw a brick at it.  And they have perfect aim because it’s just sitting there on top of my heart and my heart is absorbing the entire coldness that rock can hold.  I know that I will be perfectly fine if this doesn’t work out they way we want it to.  I know I will pick up again and get on with my life the way I have the last two times. 

If this does work out, I’m going to be Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment.  Yes, that will be me climbing in the crib to make sure you are still breathing.  Guaranteed. 

12-19-08 through 2-5-08

Gosh, I’m being a bad mom already!  Here’s what I can share with you over the past month and a half.

I have been sleepy all the time.  I am sick all the time.  And I’m emotional all the time. 

How has your dad been?  Hungry all the time.  Nothing different there Baby.

I’m wearing my first maternity top today although more because I look and feel fat and not quite pregnant yet.  I’m feeling energetic today too so maybe I’m finally making the turn into the second trimester with ease.  We are on week 14 and this is when it starts to be magical and maybe I’ll start “glowing” soon.  This glow would be a nice change from my normal bitchy face I’ve had going on here for the past 10 weeks.  You will understand someday if you are girl, if you are a boy, well then, I’m sorry.  You can talk to your Dad about how to deal with your wife.  Good luck.

I turned 31.  We went to dinner with your Uncle Ken and (maybe aunt?) Jen, we also shared it with Jen, Dan, Michelle and Clay, those are my best friends.  Your Papa and Uncle Mike had  us over on Sunday and your Uncle thinks he’s funny by giving me a funny card about how he’s cooler than me.  The money inside made up for it.  🙂

Your Babcia (Polish Grandma) and Grandpa Tom also had us over for dinner for my birthday and you were really messing with my tummy that day.  After a few sips of ginger ale you relaxed a bit and let me enjoy my pork chops.  I do appreciate that.  Your Babcia makes the best pork chops. They are my favorite by the way.  😉

Your Dad has started rubbing the belly a lot recently and is always asking how you are doing.  I tell him you are in control at all times by calling the shots on how I’m gonna feel in that moment.  I guess we better get used to it.

I have started downloading music to my mp3 player that we can listen to together while you are in my belly and I also started making CD’s for us to listen to during your sleepless nights.  Mommy loves music.  Dad want’s to start reading you the paper.  I said, let’s wait until your ears are fully developed.  It won’t be long now.

My most recent pregnancy “thing” is quite possibly the dreams I’ve been having.  I am not sure if they are pregnancy related or just that I’m crazy.  We’ll never know but here’s the recap:

  • Smoking.  I keep having dreams of chain smoking cigarettes even though I’m pregnant.  And in the dream I’m all, “this is so bad!” as I light up.  (for the record, I do not smoke)
  • Jagger Bombs.  I’ve been doing jagger bombs in my sleep.  Nothing like a sleeping drunk pregnant girl!
  • Smoking.  But not of the Marlboro persuasion.  It was the wacky tobaccky, (yes, I said it) and the smoke was just rollin’ yo and I was all like Snoop Dogg and shiz.  And I was pregnant.  I’m not gonna lie and say I have never dabbled here and there, but it has been a long time.  Like seriously, WTF?
  • Eating.  Oh yes, I dreamt I ate 14 cupcakes only they were not cupcakes they were cheesecakey goodness in a cupcake form and I said to myself, “number 14, yum!!!  This is so bad, I’m going to explode and get fat.”  But it didn’t stop me from reaching for number 15.  The saddest part was in the dream it was at a shower type of event and the cheesecakey goodnesses were the party favors so each person got one, and so I was stealing everyone’s party favor and they were watching me and I didn’t care.  And then there was the dream about how I ate 7 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Yes, 7 and I started making number 8. 

I promise more updates more often.  And I think I’ll be picking up your baby book this week so will be fun! 

Love, Mommy

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3 Comments

  1. Cute. I might’ve left out the cotton pony part for my child, though. 😉

    Reply
  2. This post made me cry. I’m so happy for you both!

    Reply
  3. This post was making me cry too! Especially at the beginning. It sucks you didn’t get to have the excited stage from the beginning, but I’m SO glad you both can be excited and plan for it now. It’s neat to read the transition in this post where you both let yourselves start getting more excited about it. Yay!

    Reply

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