I hate to admit it, but I feel better just after writing this….

I am having  a really rough time.  A time that I would rather not share out of embarrassment but this is where I need to get it out.  I don’t know any other way. 

Every morning last week was hard for me to get out of bed.  Every day that I came home I wanted to crawl right back into bed and sleep away these dreadful feelings.  Feelings of inadequacy, doubt, regret, fear of the future, and ugliness.  Even though I write this as if it’s “last week”, I cannot say for certain that these feelings are gone.  I am  just doing every. single. thing I can to get them to subside.  I don’t see their reason or need to even be here in my heart or mind.  Sometimes I like to imagine a large dump truck lowering its pail and actually pushing those words over the edge that is the side of my head.  I like to imagine those words turned into feelings screaming, “no, we are not done making her feel like crap yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet” as they fall and splatter onto the ground beneath me. 

Words cannot express how excited I am to be a mom.  I truly feel it’s something I’m meant to do more than any other thing career or job I could ever hold but then why do I feel constant inadequacy when it comes to my job and how much money I make?  Why do I sit here and worry constantly about our future vacations, college and everyday needs for my child?  Is this normal?  I can’t ask my own mother this….her response is how fulfilled she felt every moment I or my brother were in her womb and from the moment of conception she felt like a different person in the most positive way you could imagine.  *Cue, birds singing.

Puke.

Do you know what I feel?  Nervous.  Sick.  I have headaches.  I feel fat even if I’ve only gained 4 pounds, I feel like the fattest piece of shit you have ever seen.  I have acne.  I am pasty.  My hair is at the worst it’s ever been.  I can relate to why Brittany may have shaved all of hers off……

And this is where you stop and say, “this bitch is crazy”.  That’s what I expect you to think anyway.

I miss running.  I knew it had always been not just a good physical challenge for me but a mental one as well.  I will need it again soon after this baby.  I’m scared I won’t have the time.  I swear I will make time.  For the sake of myself and for me to be the best mom I can be, I will need to make the time.  I don’t expect to have free time, in fact, I’m looking forward to it because I’m a better person when I’m busy.  I’m suspicious that that could be why I have been feeling the way I do about myself, life and work.  

Work.  Speaking of work.  I’m unhappy everyday that I come here.  I find myself often upset with what I’m asked of while people making double what I make are never here and never have to answer to anything because they are never here.  But speaking of work again, I don’t hate this job, I like that the hours are so flexible, I like the time I get off in the summer and over Christmas which is perfect for the mom I want to be and spending time with my child.  But how do I get over not caring what other people say about me?  How do I stop letting it effect me when I walk out the door?  I made a vow to myself that for Lent I wasn’t going to walk out of here feeling heavy with “not pleasing everyone”.  I am never going to please every one.  No matter what I do everyday in my life, someone is going to be unhappy and I should KNOW better because of my previous job which was much more stressful and my boss was such a dick.  But in a good way.  He made me want to have my shit together you know?  He challenged me.  Is this a hormone thing?  Is this a crazy thing?  Is this just a phase?  Anyway, I failed my Lent task on Friday morning when I did walk out here feeling like I said I wouldn’t.  It’s not going to stop me from still trying to change it but man, I feel really upset with myself about it. 

Damn it.  I just want to enjoy this.  The baby brewing thing, and not worry about things that are inevitable.  Who cares what people say about me at work?  WHO CARES.  I am not any where NEAR getting fired or not doing a good job, in fact, I’m one of the top 2 in my position for this company.  I wonder if when I have this baby if then I’ll be less likely to focus on negative energy.  Because I wonder if I’ll look my child in the eyes and say to myself, “this.  this is what really matters in life.”

I’m not sure what to tell myself about how I feel about how I look.  I guess I can only focus on what’s to come after I push this baby out.  This beautiful, precious child that me and Rob made together.  Until then I’ll just keep trying to not look like…..well a version of me I don’t like.

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7 Comments

  1. This is what blogging is for – to get our thoughts and fears and insecurities and dreams out onto the screen, so they don’t remain pent up inside. I’m glad you feel better after writing this, and everything will come together.

    Reply
  2. I hope you felt better to get it out. That’s what our blogs are for.

    We have a neighbor who jogs pregnant (she’s pregnant with #5 right now). Of course we think she’s crazy to do it…especially when we see her jogging down a snowy street.

    I can’t tell you to be positive, because you need to feel it for yourself…I loved being pregnant, and I wish the same for you. 🙂

    Reply
  3. sweatsinthecity

     /  February 25, 2008

    I read this motivational article in Runner’s World a few months ago about mantras that people repeat to themselves to help themselves get through tough runs. My favorite one was, “This too shall pass,” that the person used both at really good points in the run (as a reminder to pace herself) and at the really bad points (as encouragement to keep going). I love it. I use it when I’m running, but also in real life, as a reminder that when you’re in the midst of a bad time, it’s reality right now, but it’s not always gonna be that way.

    Hope your week looks up.

    Reply
  4. Stacey

     /  February 26, 2008

    Stephanie: And it helps me so much!

    3C’s: Jogging prego? Crazy. I miss it but I don’t want to do it now either so…blah. I think I’m just ready for Spring so at least I can go for walks! I think I will enjoy it more soon. I think I just get in a mood.

    SITC: So true. I love it! I’ve heard it before but I love to hear it again and thank you because that is SO true. NOTHING is forever. So I need to cherish what I need to cherish and forget what needs to be forgotten.

    You guys ROCK.

    Reply
  5. I actually want to THANK YOU for this post!! I don’t have children, and have no idea if I ever will. I have friends who are, or have been pregnant – and it’s always all “OHHHHH, I LOVE/D being pregnant,” and “it was so easy,” and “it is/was so amazing being pregnant.” (Insert beaming smiley faces here)

    I’m not saying it isn’t amazing, or breathtaking or whatever, but yeah – what about your body, and what about the future, and what about the fact that your life completely changes in every way!!?!?!

    Thank you for addressing these issues, and to make you feel better, you’re not the only one that has these thoughts – I think all the “being pregnant is so wonderful, and I don’t have a care in the world” females are full of sh*t!

    Reply
  6. I don’t think you’re crazy at all! I think you’re being completely honest. I’m sure there are women out there who find pregnancy to be a completely positive experience.

    I think, though, that your worries and fears are just signs of how good of a mother you’re going to be. You’re worried about being able to provide for your child, being able to give him or her the best possible things in life, and being the best mom you can be. Those are all good things to think about.

    I’m sure it’s unbelievably hard to be going through so many drastic changes in such a short time. It has to be hard to feel like you have no control over your body and what’s happening to it, in addition to the fact that your hormones are going haywire at the same time.

    I’m sure it’s normal to feel depressed or stressed when you’re going through those changes. But you’re going to be a great mother! I just know you will!

    This baby is already so loved, and I hope you’re out of this slump soon. You’ve been wanting this for so long that I can completely understand why you’re worried. You’ll be fine, though!

    Chin up! *hugs

    Reply
  7. How r u? your website is cool
    I have a new band and we just had a live gig you can see here:
    http://tinyurl.com/a6olap

    Reply

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