Even

I called you back Monday morning because I do always try to call you back.  I never know how it’s going to be when I talk to you but for some reason I always expect it to be normal.  It seems normal at first and I find my mind making a hurried confirmation that the new medication is doing it’s job.  But it’s not.  Because twenty seconds later you will tell me some disturbing information that breaks my heart.  That feeling of my heart crumbling into a million pieces in the bottom of my stomach is not a stranger to me.  I’m good at recognizing it and moving on quickly, I’ve had to do it a thousand times.  But it was the end of our conversation that made me sad.

“I really miss you, Stacey.  Please give Lucas a hug and kiss for me.”

“I will, Mom.  We are going to stop by sometime this weekend.”

“Stacey?”

“What’s up, Mom?”

“Do you think I could watch Lucas sometime?”

While my heart started to break and fall, I lied to you.  I told you we don’t really go out, which honestly we don’t, but I didn’t tell you why.  I didn’t tell you why I don’t ask you.

I allowed a few tears to fall because I want my mom to give Luke fruit snacks.  I want my mom to know him better.  I don’t want a competition, I just want it to be even.

I just want it to be even.

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