Again, again, and again

Nobody likes posts like this one.  These aren’t the popular kind, and I’m okay with that.  Because sometimes I just have to get it out.

I have to get out how I put my mom in a mental hospital for the third time in my life today and it doesn’t get easier.  This is something that my heart will never heal from, I will never get over this and I will always always have hope that it will be better.  I’m really good at this though.  Once I’m there in the moment, I’m there, taking care of everything.  This also happens to be the day before we leave Luke and go on our weekend away so I can stand up with my cousin while she makes a promise for forever.  My mom’s niece.  My mom can’t go now.  My brother can’t go now.  I will represent our family and I will feel like this again.  I tried to put it off until after this weekend, but it was not a healthy choice for her.

But while there’s that girl, who takes care of it all and gets all the bags packed and makes a breakfast casserole for her amazing friend who is taking on a Lukey for the weekend, there is also this girl:

I’m so mad that my parents are always sick and so demanding of my time.

I’m so mad that I’m the parent to THEM when I want them to be the parent to me.

I’m so mad that I don’t get to take shopping trips with my mom or meet her for a drink when I want to talk about stuff.

I’m mad I didn’t get a chance.  That all I have that is REAL to me is my childhood and it just keeps slipping further and further away.

I’m so mad at the people who didn’t know her then but that know her now and don’t  understand how amazing she could be.

I’m mad that they see me as a guarded daughter, that they get a false view of what I truly feel in my heart because this isn’t new to me and I am in parent mode with her, not daughter mode.

I’m mad that I feel like a failure as a daughter.

I’m so mad.

I’m so hurt.

I’m so sad.

Once again, I take on this weekend, and it will be delightful and it truly is a celebration but this, everything that I just wrote will never go away.

And I’m so angry about that.

“Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.”  ~Author Unknown

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5 Comments

  1. This must be so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know I would mad as hell too. At least you get to be proud of yourself for dealing with it with such aplomb, some people would just leave, let it go or ignore all together and carry on with “their” lives. Good for you for knowing that sometimes being a daughter implies being a parent as well.

    Reply
  2. I think you have a right to feel how you do. Being a parent to a parent can’t be easy.

    Reply
  3. You’re not a failure as a daughter! It is ok to be angry. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this.

    Reply
  4. Big hugs to you. I would be angry, too.

    Reply
  5. A

     /  May 18, 2010

    Hey girl – I’m so late on this, but I wanted to send you a hug and tell you that I’m here for you! I cannot imagine that this is something that ever gets easier: you’re so strong for sticking by your mom and helping her get the help that she needs.

    Reply

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