Change of Heart

I haven’t written about my mom in a while.  This isn’t one of those times where no news equal good news, it’s just no news equals….nothing has changed.  My heart still breaks when I think about it.  I still feel like a failure as a daughter because I don’t have the time I want to spend with her, it got even worse over the last few months because of getting knocked up and being so sick and then school started and I could go on and on.  I finally got over there this week to spend time with her and we went out to dinner to a place where Luke could play and we could talk.

It all seemed normal until she eventually got upset and started crying about something she could not figure out.  We got through it but I got embarrassed about it because we were in public.  Daughter fails again.

Other than that, it was a good visit.  I plan to go again this week and pick back up these weekly visits as I was doing before I got pregnant.

For a long time, even before I married Rob, I knew that I never wanted a girl.  I am afraid to have a girl because of the relationship I have with my mom.  It’s just….never been good.  I think it could have changed as most do.  I grew up, she got more relaxed, and maybe even for a little while I could see it going in that direction….but then it didn’t.  It made a sharp left and over corrected and ended up tumbling over it self until it was finally belly up in the middle of a field.  That field is called illness.  It won.

Lately I have found myself less afraid of this baby being a girl.  I think instead of feeling like it would be something I would have to prepare myself for, it’s actually something I’m excited for if it turns out that way.

I’m realizing and accepting that I’m not her.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m like her in some ways.  But I’m not ill like her, and I think I’ve done a good job of not doing what she did that I didn’t like.  There are some things she did really well, I plan to focus on that.


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1 Comment

  1. You would be a great mom to a little girl. Or to a little boy. Or to a little alien baby with no gender. 🙂 I’m sorry things with your mom are so tough. But you’re not anywhere near being a failure. Trust me on that one. XOXO


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