First Born, Second Born

When I was younger I asked my mom on more than one occasion who she loved more…me or my brother?  Her answer, “I love you both equally.”  I believed her then.  Even now, I believe her.  Hell, I even believe my dad who has reiterated this. But as I’ve grown up I’ve come to realize that she loves us differently.  Equally, but differently.

I’ve thought about this so  much while carrying this feisty speed-ball professional around in my womb.  I’m sad to admit that I haven’t felt as connected to him while carrying him like I did with Luke.  With Luke I had the time to bask in the glory of every movement, every worry, every Hostess Ding Dong.  It was just us.  He and I.

This time I’m chasing around the smallest person who holds the record for the most asked, “What’s that?” in a day.  I’m constantly fetching for him or cleaning up after him or rushing him to the potty or laying in bed singing I Know a Chicken for the billionth time and well….time has vanished.  Here we are only eleven short weeks away from the birth of Rocky 12.

Last week during a moment of panic that was like holy-crap-we-only-have-twelve-weeks-to-go-and-nothing-is-ready we brought up two packed tubs from the basement and went through all of Luke’s zero to nine month clothing.  It was so bittersweet.  Such TINY clothes.  And surprisingly clean.  I took out about 15 items that reminded me of just Luke. Items that some day I will turn into a quilt if I ever learn to sew.

Immediately I remembered what is so easily forgotten.  Late nights, morning snuggles, lots of coffee….and the wishing. I remember that I was always wondering what was coming next with Luke.  When will he do this?  What will he be like then?  I hate to say, or admit for that matter, that I sort of rushed it.  Obviously I have no control over time but I almost think that with the first-born, that feeling is inevitable.  During those first few weeks time seems as if it’s standing still, I wanted to feeling like myself again, I wanted to have this mommy thing down and fast.  Now when I think about that time, it was easy compared to now.  I love Luke as a toddler.  While I find this time with him more challenging, I love learning who he is.  It seems as though every day his knowledge is growing at top speed and it’s a wonderful thing to get to watch.

I don’t know what my second-born is going to be like, but I do know that I will savor every minute of those first few months because I know what to expect.  I know what’s coming and while it is wonderful to watch, man, it goes really fast and I don’t want to rush one second.  I don’t think I’ll worry so much about what’s coming next because I know it will get here before I know it and then it’s gone.

I hope my heart is prepared for all this love.  I often wonder if it’s possible, even though I know it is, I’m almost unprepared to feel it.

What I’m coming to learn though is that it’s already different.  But I what I feel is the same.  I’m still excited but for different reasons, I’m still scared but for different reasons.

It’s the same, but different.

Either way, I can’t wait to meet my second son.  Even if his goal in life is to be the heavyweight champion.  At least he won’t be practicing on my bladder anymore.

 

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5 Comments

  1. Very sweet. You are going to have two lucky little boys.

    Reply
  2. michelle

     /  January 27, 2011

    Well said. Yes, do savor the moments.
    I can’t wait to meet your heavyweight champion.

    Reply
  3. Sassafrass

     /  January 27, 2011

    Amen.

    Reply
  4. Loving 2 the same yet differently is so true!! Your firstborn will hold a special, itty bitty place that’s all his though. It’s so fun watching both boys’ different personalities. Cracks me up how both my kids came from me yet are like night & day from each other. I’m preparing you now….. the 2nd (who are you already calling a heavy weight champ)….. is so much more rough and tumble. At least mine is! A friend of mine calls the baby “Bruiser”.

    2 little boys are the bomb!!!!

    Reply
  5. Your heart is my heart so, so prepared for all of the love. Don’t believe me? You might want to go back and read this post. 🙂

    Reply

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