Within Myself

I’m the kind of person that does exactly what I say I’m going to do.  I get an A in a class that I could foresee myself failing if I don’t pay attention.  When I can barely run 3 miles, I’m going to run 5 just to prove to myself I can.  When I want something bad enough, I’m going to find a way to get it. I forgive people in situations where other people might not.  I tend to love people more for the their flaws than their strengths, although I love them for both.

I cannot stand to fail.  And when I do, I don’t know how to forgive myself.  If I find myself in a moment of failure it’s as if the whole world is ending in my mind.  And it’s worse now.  Because I’m pregnant.  Because I’m mom too maybe.  What am I measuring this against?  Me.  My own scale, although I’m not sure where this scale came from.  How did I invent such a harsh one?  My goodness, Stacey.

I’m dreading every.single.morning these days because every.single.morning it’s a temper tantrum.  I can’t do anything right for Luke.  He want’s to do everything himself and while I get that, and I try to let him, there are moments when I never know when that is.  Until it’s too late.

I have never met someone so strong and curious about so many things.  His ability to talk and remember things blows my mind for his age, but do you think you could take him to a hockey game?  No, he’s afraid.  He’s afraid of loud noises and we never know when it’s going to occur.  On Saturday night Rob left before the game even started because Luke was so afraid.  And all he wanted was me.

On Saturday morning I noticed the poor kid started to get a runny nose and that he might be getting a cold, but he was acting fine and my cousin Josh was here to visit (who he LOVES and ADORES and who also plays hockey [he’s 22]) and we had plans to go the Grand Rapids Griffins game.  We had been talking it up all week and I didn’t want to keep him home just because of a runny nose so off they went.  But he hated it.  He wouldn’t even look down at the ice or the players or stop clutching on to Rob and he just kept saying he wanted to go home to me.

When Rob called to tell me, I felt immediately like a failure as a mom.  What have I done?  Is this what happens when you’re a stay at home mom?  Is this the difference between sending your child to a daycare and not?  But he does go to grandma’s two days a week, and on those days he has play dates with other kids and, and, and, and……WHY IS HE SO AFRAID OF STUFF?

Rob probably would have stuck it out a bit longer but was afraid it was more of a sick thing than a scared thing and didn’t want to make him stay if he didn’t feel good, but once they were on their way to the car, it was clear to Rob that that wasn’t the case.  And Rob was not happy.

Before all of this happened in the evening, my mom called me on Saturday morning.  The conversation left me sad and feeling like a failure as a daughter.  I am so frustrated with her situation that I avoid it.  I’m so uncomfortable when it comes to my step dad that I avoid it.  I like to think it’s because I’m busy with school and Luke and being pregnant but…..come on….I make time for other things.  I make time to bring my brother and dad food.  I make time to have play dates at the museum or dinner with my girls.  I make time to scroll the internet for new recipes.  I  make time to blog this.  I don’t make time for her until I feel it’s time because too much has passed.  It doesn’t mean I’m not aware of every minute that passes, but it just depresses me and makes me feel so bad that I avoid it.  I avoid my own mother.  I fail.  I know I could fix this but I don’t know if I want to.  I can’t stop feeling mad and angry and cheated out of a mom.

And then last night, there was another tantrum during dinner.  My ears were hurting.  And then although all the chicken was done, there was one piece that wasn’t and Rob discovered it and then I was a failure at my most important job as a stay at home mom….DINNER.  The one thing I can usually get right.

I’m just so frustrated with all of this.  I need to fix this somehow, within myself.  And I will, but writing it out is my first step to doing so.  So thanks for reading.

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6 Comments

  1. Anonymous

     /  March 8, 2011

    You seem to be a very busy person. Maybe its time to take a step back for a bit. You are pregnant after all and that can take a toll on people. You should think about making time for yourself and relaxing before the next addition to your family arrives. I love reading your blog and hope my two cents does not offend you

    Reply
    • Stacey

       /  March 9, 2011

      Not offended at all! I think what’s hard for me is that because I don’t work I feel like I’m not allowed to screw up or not be on my game or whatever that stupid feeling is that I’m having. I know it’s ridiculous, I just have my moments but I’m really gonna try to not worry so much about some things.

      Reply
  2. It’s okay. All of it. Little boys get nervous about new things, especially without their rock (mom) there. The situation with your mom is scary and unsettling, and even though you don’t want to avoid it, it’s understandable that you do. And chicken…Well who gets chicken right, anyway? I am so worried about undercooking it, I have a tendency to overcook it. But I don’t care – Because for some reason my son loves my overcooked chicken. 🙂 I’m sure Rob understands, and doesn’t think you failed at dinner or anything else. Hope things start to feel better. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Sassafras

     /  March 9, 2011

    Awww man. Sounds like a small little seed of doubt has made a home and started to grow. I know how it feels, it happens to me too.

    What do you need? What will make you happy right now? A pedicure? A date night? A nap? A night away from it all? Do it. You’ll feel recharged and able to look at this in more of a neutral light.

    Reply
    • Stacey

       /  March 9, 2011

      I got a pedicure today and a haircut! I met my friend for a walk last night and when I got back I could just tell I felt so refreshed. I think more than anything it’s the weather. I just need to be able to get outside more and so does Luke!

      Reply

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