One Plus One is Four

Here I am.  It’s Tuesday morning and I have extra time on my hands now to write.  I registered for Fall classes this morning.  I only have one test left to take and I’m done for this semester…..and I’m bored.  Sort of.  I am really glad that it didn’t work out for me to take classes this summer but I do feel like I’m going to be bored and I also can’t stop being a little annoyed that it’s taking longer than my original well thought out plan to finish school.  Makes me feel a little like a failure, which is crazy, I realize this.

The first week home from the hospital was hard for me because physically I could not do everything I wanted, but since the middle of last week I’ve felt a lot better physically and I’ve been able to get right back into cleaning, cooking, and taking care of my family.

Gavin has been a pretty laid back baby….he’s basically eating, pooping, and sleeping just as he should.  The last few nights he fell asleep at 10, woke up at 1 am and then again around 5 am and I’m hoping this will be his schedule for a while until he needs one less feeding at night.  The days are not as hard as I thought they might be with two little one’s.  I was really nervous about that part of it but so far I’ve been able to still fill Luke’s  needs and tend to Gavin.  Luke does have to wait sometimes when I’m breastfeeding but he’s been a champ about it.

Breastfeeding really took off this time.  Gavin latched on right away after he was born and has continued to be a champ about this as well.  Once again, my boobs are doing what they were born to do and producing enough milk and then some but I am refusing to pump.  Two days after we were home from the hospital I had to go to class.  Rob brought the pump to me so that I could pump and he could feed Gavin while I was in class.  The second the pump got anywhere near my boobs, I seriously started to have a panic attack.

For three months after Luke was born, I strictly pumped so that he would be fed breast milk.  I pumped several times a day.  I fed Luke a bottle several times a day.  I woke up 2 to 3 times in the middle of the night even when Luke didn’t so that I could pump.  I pumped, I pumped, I pumped.  One time I fell asleep pumping and woke up to two overflowing bottles of breast milk.  I had several people tell me that it seemed like  a lot of work….to do all that pumping and to still have to feed him a bottle but I never saw it that way.  I just did what I thought was best at the time and I was disappointed that latching didn’t work for us.

So it was very strange for me to feel such panic when I saw the pump almost two weeks ago.  I immediately felt trapped and confined and even though I don’t remember feeling that way in 2008, clearly I did.  It was then that I told Rob, no….I could not be trapped again and I felt that emotionally it would be better for me and our family that I did not feel that way.  We decided that Gavin would get formula….and this scared me because breastfeeding had gone so well and I was afraid that I would return from class and it would be done.  But it wasn’t.  And Gavin still continues to get bottles at night when Rob takes over and out in public*.  But all day long and on my nights we breast feed and he knows no difference.  It’s the best of both worlds and he’s happy, I’m happy, Luke is happy and Rob is happy.

Luke seems to really love Gavin.  He talks to him and tells him about hockey and asks me why he’s always sleeping.  I can tell though that Luke is having some adjustment issues.  He’s really attached to me lately and wants me to do everything for him.  This is hard on me and Rob because Rob is trying to help me and Luke doesn’t want him to….he does it anyway though.  I’ve still been trying to do some alone stuff with Luke.  I put him to bed and read to him every night.  Last night we went to the park and blew bubbles.  Sometimes after these things are done he’s still upset and whiny so part of it could just be his age….it’s a challenge.

It feels good though, to all finally be together.  We are complete.  Like this is how it was meant to be.

*Just an fyi, it does not bother me at all to see women breastfeeding in public but it creeps me out to do it.  It’s just not comfortable for me which leads to excess sweating and frustration. 

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6 Comments

  1. So happy to hear you are adjusting well. 🙂 Gavin looks so much like you. And yes, it is the age. B is the same way Luke is (acting like I must do everything for her when she is perfectly capable and has done the same things herself).

    Talk to you soon!

    Reply
  2. itsybitsymama

     /  April 26, 2011

    Glad to hear all is going well! I had a similar pumping situation with Ian–I was pumping around the clock while they ruled out a potential allergy situation so he got formula (but I had to pump to keep the supply up).

    Now, I am pumping while at work so Arthur has my milk, but when he started showing the same allergy symptoms as Ian, I vowed to not do as we did last time (long story). And luckily those symptoms have ceased.

    You have to do what’s best for you! Isn’t having two boys so much fun? Just you wait!

    Reply
  3. I think that this summer will fly by for you — no time to be bored! Little boys to snuggle and good books to read and GOOD WEATHER. It’s going to come, I swear it, and it will be so awesome. xoxo

    Reply
  4. Sassafras

     /  April 26, 2011

    Once you figure out how to stop having to do do do all the time I think you will really enjoy the Summer 😉 Plus I imgaine Luke will have adjusted to the new arrangement as well and things will be a little more relaxed at home.

    And yes, pumping is a drag. I would refuse to do it at home, rather go without the alcohol or whatever just so I didn’t have to. So glad bfeeding is working out for you!

    Reply
  5. Aren’t 2 little boys the most precious ever! 🙂 You hit the nail on the head… doing what works for your family! LM went through stages when he was POed at me for bringing home a new baby to wanting me to do everything. Now, I can see the love between my boys….. and the fights are starting to get a little more heated too. HA!

    Reply
  6. I understand the breastfeeding thing.

    I’m glad everything is going so well.

    Reply

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