Going Off The Rails

Last night Gavin was  nonstop unhappy for over an hour.  Luke was somewhat whiny during that time, but tolerable.  After I finally got Gavin settled down, Luke upped the ante a bit and well….urgh.  I finally got him into bed and after two books he seemed willing to fall asleep nicely until he wanted some water and I put it in the wrong cup.

Oh boy.  The screaming, the crying, the raging fit was underway and all this lovely precious fit throwing then woke up Gavin so it became surround sound screaming, crying, and rage.  I was beyond thrilled.  You can’t pay for surround sound like that.  Especially with wood flooring.

It crossed my mind then that I had Dr.’s appointment the next day (today) and I seriously considered cancelling it because at that moment it felt like getting myself and two angry children ready and out the door would be way too much work for this momma.

Rob is working 3rd shift this week so when he came home this morning, I shared my thoughts with him and he asked me, “Don’t you think it would be harder with three kids?”

Why yes, yes it would, I told him.

“THEN GO TO YOUR APPOINTMENT.”

Good point.  Today’s appointment was a consultation for a semi-permanent birth control.  I almost begged the doctor to give it to me right then instead of waiting for the “perfect timing”.  I restrained myself though.

Most days are not hard at all.  Tolerable.  I love my kids.  They bring me so much happiness.  But moments like last night?  Whoa.  And just recently and on more than one occasion I have had friends tell me how I’m such a patient mom.  I guess so.  I’d say 90% of the time but then when I’m in the middle of a 10% moment it feels like I’m 100% failing.

I tend to feel guilty when Luke is upset.  What can I do to make him happy?  Has he had enough one on one time?  Have I gotten him out of the house?  What can I do differently?  But then when I’ve done all of those things and he still acts that way, I realize that it really has nothing to do with what I have or haven’t done.  But it gets to me and I get a little bit short with him and I’ll be honest, a little bit yelly.  This was happening back in March right before Gavin arrived and I decided to change my approach and just not let things get to me and to try really hard to be patient no matter what.  It worked.  It worked well.  I think I need to go back there and do that again.

Recently when talking to my neighbor she brought up how she was going back to work during the day and was going to put both of her older girls in a daycare/preschool center but didn’t want that for her 10 month old.  I told Rob that I could probably handle watching the 10 month old if they needed me to.  I could earn a little extra cash and help them out.  I do honestly think I could handle 3 children.  But then after a few discussions it turned into me watching all 3 of their children and gosh, I didn’t know about that.  Yikes.  I started praying about it right away (that’s just what I do) and it seems like right after those prayers my children peaked at their ability to whine and cry.  After last night, I think I need to admit that there is no way I could handle FIVE children FIVE days a week for 8 plus hours in addition to be worrying about homework and tests.

There is a reason I went to the doctor today.

My other neighbor just went back to work to waitress at their family restaurant a few days a week just to get out of the house and I feel that.  I FEEL THAT, yo.

I have started applying for jobs in my field that I will graduate in or something closely related….I don’t necessarily NEED the job but I figure it doesn’t hurt to start applying and if I find something I would like, I can take it.  It wouldn’t prolong my graduation by much and since I’d already be working, I wouldn’t be overly concerned about it.

But I’ll be honest, I think I could work at Target two days a week right now just for some relief.  Starbucks?  Yep, there too.  Although then there’s the issue of me spending my entire earnings on mocha coconut frappuccinos.  YES I WOULD.

I don’t know.  Who does know?  I just know that life with two kiddos isn’t easy, but I just envision a lot less whining if I was at work full or part time….or am I imagining that?  Sometimes I still can’t believe I stay home.  Never thought it would be this way.  See?  I’m focusing most of this post on the 10% because of last night, I’ll write my next post about this after a good 90% day.

Stay tuned.

 

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5 Comments

  1. Anonymous

     /  June 23, 2011

    there is less whining when you work…from your kids but usually your coworkers make up for it! jc

    Reply
  2. Oh, that sounds like a tough night. I can believe that, when you’re in the midst of it, that’s all you can focus on and the 90% that is butterflies and rainbows and warm cookies falls right out of your mind.

    Watching five kids sounds like…a lot more than two or three. 🙂

    I think that you are awesome.

    Reply
  3. Ha! Funny you mention this…. I was just telling my mom that we have less whining when I’ve been home all day with the boys as opposed to me working all day then coming home to them. When I’ve worked all day and we’re getting home at 5 o’clock, both boys want my attention, they both want to play, I want to change into comfy clothes, and I’ve got to get dinner started. I get WAY more frustrated and short tempered on working days than I do stay at home days.

    And going from your 2 to helping out and watching a 3rd, doesn’t seem so bad…. but watching two more on TOP of that… WHOA!

    Reply
  4. 3 seems doable, 5 seems like a lot! But that’s just for me. Maybe the more kids there are, the more they would entertain themselves.

    My mom was a stay-at-home mom, but when I was about 5 and my sister was 3, my mom started working part-time (2 days a week) because she said she needed adult conversation during the day. =)

    Reply
  5. Sassafras

     /  June 23, 2011

    I’ve had a rough week with just the newborn this week and so I get it. I know how easy it is to go from patient mommy to I am going to lose my cool mommy and then feeling like you can’t leave the house because it’s too much.

    Oh hell no to watching 5 kids for 40 hours a week. I hyperventilate just thinking about it.

    Reply

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