November Fifteenth: Blog Share

I did not write the following post; it was written by an anonymous participant in Blog Share. Please make this person feel welcome by leaving a comment!

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So I have this drunk neighbour. I call her, appropriately enough, Drunk Neighbour.

Drunk Neighbour lives next door to my family’s vacation place. We do not have a TV. We do not need one. We have Drunk Neighbour. We think she is hilarious, because we do not have to live next to her year-round. The other neighbours cannot stand her.

I am pretty sure Drunk Neighbour learned everything she knows about human interaction by watching reality television. In fact, I think she would make a decent reality star. During the summer, we were treated to gems like this:

“I GOTTA SHOVEL THE DOG SHIT INTO THE NEIGHBOURS’ BUSHES.” Those would be HER dog’s shit, and OUR bushes.

“YOU BETTER NOT CUT DOWN ANY TREES. ONE OF THE NEIGHBOURS MIGHT CALL CODE ENFORCEMENT ON YOU. ONE OF THE *OTHER* NEIGHBOURS…” I assured her we had no interest in cutting any trees. The code-enforcement officer showed up the next day, saying she’d received a complaint that we had “cut down lots of trees”. I was actually relieved, because of all of the frivolous and vexatious complaints Drunk Neighbour could have made against us, cutting trees is probably the easiest to disprove. No stumps = no cutting. If she’d complained that we’d dumped noxious chemicals into the water supply, we’d still be dealing with it.

“I WANT A JURY TRIAL” (Sheriff: “Ma’am, the maximum fine for this offence is $50.”)

“I WILL NOT TELL YOU MY NAME. I WILL NOT. I WILL NOT. FINE. ARREST ME.”

About a week after we met her, she showed up at our door with this stream of consciousness:

“I WANNA LOOK AT YOUR LAKE HOUSE. THIS IS NOT A CAMP. DO NOT SAY THIS IS A CAMP. THIS IS A LAKE HOUSE. I WANNA LOOK AT IT. THE OTHER NEIGHBOUR CAME OVER AND WANTED TO LOOK AT MY PLACE. WHO DOES THAT??? WE SHOULD GO TO THE BAR. THERE ARE LOTS OF MEN THERE. I GOT A D.U.I., BUT MY DAUGHTER CAN DRIVE US. THAT NEIGHBOUR OVER THERE TOOK ME TO COURT. AND THAT ONE OVER THERE IS AWFUL, JUST AWFUL.”

Last Christmas, we idly looked over at Drunk Neighbour’s house and saw her shovelling snow out of her living room. I am still hoping to find out the details about that one.

I’m guessing the story starts with “WELL, I WAS DRUNK”, but I suppose I could be wrong.

I’d be lying if I pretended I’m not really, really looking forward to my next visit.
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If you would like to read more of the Blog Share anonymous posts, here’s the list:

Andrea Unplugged
April On Ashley
Bright Yellow World
Drifts Get Deeper
Malfeasance
Our Little Geekling
The Reluctant Grownup
Together They Come
Did I Say That Outloud?
Snarke
Operation Pink Herring
Nonsense and Frippery
Mama Bub
Heidikins
Nothing Is Easier Than Self-Deceit
Barfing Rainbows and Unicorns
And You Know What Else

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6 Comments

  1. Anonymous Blog Share Participant

     /  November 15, 2011

    This post made me really, really happy. She could be a sitcom character.

    Reply
  2. This is hilarious. Snow in her living room? Man. What a character!

    Reply
  3. Why was she shoveling her living room?! You must investigate.

    Reply
  4. Hahahaha! Thanks 🙂

    Reply
  5. Stacey

     /  November 15, 2011

    This is hilarious!

    Reply
  6. Sounds like a hoot! Please report back about the snow in the house. I’d probably have volunteered to help shovel just so I could be nosy.

    Reply

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