Now & Laters

Do you think that by one saying they wish certain things had turned out differently that they are saying they don’t like how it is now? Because if things, anything, had gone differently, life would be different now, right? Somehow it would, I suspect.

It’s so cliché and sort of annoying when people say, “Someday you will understand why this didn’t work out.”

Or,

“This will all make sense someday.”

Basically, “Sorry this sucks balls now, but later you will get it.”

The thing about later is we don’t know when that is. Is it tomorrow? Is it 10, 15, 20 years from now? Was it yesterday and I missed it?

I can name four events in my life that were life changing for me. While it was devastating in the moment, it actually does make sense now. So much sense. And welcome to my cliché. It’s true here for me. It was so clearly answered that my belief system shifted significantly to a place that no one could ever understand unless they were me so I don’t even try.

Last  night I watched an interview type show with two celebrities that had lost their moms. One mom died when the celebrity was 10, the other was early 20’s I think. They both talked about how they felt about this, how they felt the presence of their mother’s with them at certain times. The interview went on and on about their mothers and I started to cry.

I have lost my mother. But I don’t feel her presence. The only thing I ever feel is anger followed by sadness followed by tears.

Everyday, at least once, I cry or almost cry. It could be a song I hear, or a show I watch like I happened to watch last night. Any time it’s mother & daughter related it kills me. It haunts me.

I like to think it will get better but I can’t be sure of this so I’m just going to wait until later. Later I will know. Later I will understand.

 

*Edit: I have not lost my mother physically, but because of her dementia, I have lost her mentally. I just feel the need to clarify that.

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3 Comments

  1. So sorry for your loss! There are no words to even begin to make you feel better. I can’t even fathom being in your shoes. Mothers are special! My thoughts are with you

    Reply
    • Stacey

       /  February 10, 2012

      I edited this post so you know that I have not lost my mother physically, I reread it and I realize it sounds that way, but because of her dementia I have lost her mentally and I can’t figure out what’s worse.

      Reply
  2. I think it is really hard for you because you don’t have closure. I mean, my mom is dead, it sucks, I think about and miss her every day but she’s GONE. Your mom is still here, even though she isn’t with it and you, you still burden that responsibility of being her daughter, a good daugher. I think it’s worse, to be honest. While my mom was dying it was so hard and so there was some relief when it was over. You’re just stuck in the middle and I’m so sorry because while I’m not there, I think I understand. Hugs.

    Reply

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