A Side of Cheese, Anyone?

I’ve thought a lot recently about being done with blogging. It just doesn’t seem to serve the purpose that it once did for me. Whenever I think of something good to write about its when I’m falling asleep at night and then when I wake up and the genius post has gone and disappeared. Don’t get me wrong about any of this, I blog for me. I have always blogged for me and never to get comments or readers. When I say genius post, I mean something clever that has happened that I want to document in a way that displays my thought process and my love of writing. I have always loved to write. I have always written. When I was young my mom had to practically rip the pencil out of my hand to get me to go outside and I bet she never understood why she had to hide my books from me so I would play with friends while bribing my brother with money to pick one up and read it.

My point is that when I open up this page all I want to do is WHINE. The only thing that is itching to burst from my finger tips through these keys and on to this screen is COMPLAINTS.

I know it sounds strange but what’s comforting me right now is when I read other blogs that are writing what I’m not. I love those blogs because I think I’m understanding correctly when I think that it’s just a moment for them. It’s how you feel RIGHT THEN but it’s not really how you feel, except sometimes it is. It also reminds me that I’m not alone in this feeling as a mother that my children are never happy and they never listen, and really I only mean the one child since the other one is just learning to start not listening.

I don’t want this place to be a place of complaints. It’s not really who I am. Or it’s not really who I thought I was and maybe what’s scaring me is IT IS who I am and I didn’t know it.

Right after Gavin was born and summer was around the corner, I accepted how summer would be. I accepted it because while I don’t want to be the mom who doesn’t go out with a newborn, I am that mom and I’m okay with it. The feedings, the naps, the big brother and all the crap you have to take is way too much for me to handle so I played it low last summer and it still was quite nice. We went on a lot of walks and we sat outside with the neighbors while Gavin napped (aw, my sweet napper) and it wasn’t too much torture as you might expect being trapped in one place might be.

But then it was fall, and now it’s winter and taking them both places by myself is harder than it was last summer. There’s the potty training and those stupid sensor flushing demon toilets. And there’s a double stroller that’s hard to maneuver with 40 pounds weighing down the front. Gavin is getting way more mobile and wants down, and wants to walk and he pretty much wants to be 5 years old. So Luke is asking me a million questions while Gavin yells at me from his car seat in babble I cannot understand but I have a feeling he’s saying this, “Um, excuse me, MOTHER, but I am too big for this infant car seat and I would like to be in a normal seat in this stroller now please so that I can try to escape it like my brother does because clearly I am a 5-year-old trapped in a 10 month old baby cute suit and stop trying to feed me these puffs, I would like a slice of meat pizza with real milk on the side, none of this FORMULA crap anymore, got it, woman?”

So Gavin is too big for the infant car seat, he is right about that, but if I put him in a regular car seat then how do I carry him to and fro places? Plus all the other stuff I have to carry? Purse, diaper bag, drinks, food, Luke’s cup, Luke’s car, which he decides to hand to me after I’ve zipped up the diaper bag.

Basically the only safe place to go without all this hassle is Target. I am not against Target but it’s not all that entertaining and I can only look at the make-up I don’t know how to apply for so long without getting low self-esteem and wanting to go buy a soft pretzel and a large fountain diet. Okay, who am I kidding? I already bought the soft pretzel on my way in to Target and I bought my kid a popcorn because if his mouth is full of popcorn that means I get about 10 extra minutes of silence before he starts asking to go visit the bacauums. That would be vacuum for those of you who stuck around to read this crap.

So like I was saying, complaining and whining….that’s not what it’s supposed to be.

I think because I accepted summer to be the way it was and it was BETTER says something. Because I did not accept that these winter months would be that way, I was looking forward to winter being different and then when it wasn’t, I am disappointed. I am let down. I am angry. I am getting pissed at staring at the same walls day after day, after day. Did I mention I am staring at that same wall right this very second? But if I go out? It’s worse. It’s like this: I could stay home and do the same thing I do everyday married with whining and a million questions OR I could out which involves new scenery (Oooh!) but still all the same crap I do at home with having to do with kids AND take them in and of their car seats like 6 times and well, it’s like choosing crap over crap.

No, I don’t think my kids are crap. But neither of those two things sound fun. I just like the word crap. I also like the word balls. Like if I just dropped something I might say, “Oh balls.” Or I might switch it up and say, “Oh crap.” Those are my two go to words for stuff like that.

So the blog….it’s pretty obvious by the lack of blogging since 2012 started that I’m just not that into you.

It’s not you, it’s me. All me.

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3 Comments

  1. Michelle S.

     /  February 14, 2012

    It will get easier as they get older, I promise. It really does. I thought it was difficult (stressful) with one to get in/out of the car and go places. I’m sure it’s not an easy task with two. Potty training was annoying too when we would be out and about, I’d forget the extra underwear. Not fun. Hang in there, spring is around the corner, green grass and fresh air is on its way.

    Reply
  2. Sass

     /  February 16, 2012

    It’s just the way it is. I have a friend who lives in the city, kids the same age as us (basically) and I’m so jealous because I think they leave the house every day. But it’s so easy for them. Into the stroller and carrier and off they go. Meanwhile trying to just get two kids in the car makes me wonder if where I’m going is really worth it. BUT in the summer, she’ll be jealous of me because I can just open up my back door and we have a yard and a swingset.

    My point? No idea. But that this is hard no doubt. And unless you’re in the middle of it or have been through it you just have no idea. I know I didn’t.

    Oh, and do you have a baby carrier? That’s how I do it – WA goes in the carrier and OE goes in the cart. Not sure if G would be into it or not but maybe one that G can go on your back?

    Also I totally understand your feelings but I love reading and would be sad if I couldn’t anymore!

    Reply
  3. I think my blog is perfect as a place to complain. When I bother to blog, that is. Blog about what you want, don’t if you don’t want, and don’t worry about it.

    Oh, and I don’t know how to put my makeup on right, either. And I sell it. Can’t believe that stance doesn’t get me more customers, ha! 🙂

    Reply

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