Bridges Collapse!

I am a ball of stress. I just don’t know how to not feel stress and anxiety about the things that I do not know about. I did not feel well yesterday, which was no surprise if you were reading my whiny tweets. I’m sure you know all about it. I annoyed myself with it. But it all started with my back on Sunday afternoon. Then came Sunday night. And we had a very rough dinner time with Luke which then lead to a rough bed time. The hardest part is that he always asks if we are going to work tomorrow and does he have to go to Grandma’s. We tell him yes and he starts. He starts whining that he doesn’t want to go and he’s bored there and on and on. When we finally get a grip on that whining then we read a story. When it’s time for me or Rob to get up to leave him alone, he starts again. He’s lonely, he doesn’t want to sleep alone, he needs someone to sleep with him, someone who can “talk real” (as Nala the dog cannot). This absolutely breaks my heart into a million pieces and then this is what happens in my head:

I wish I knew where this job was going.
I wish I knew so that I could plan a better daycare plan that makes him happier.
I wish I could start getting paid so this would be more “worth it” to hear my kid cry about us leaving him. (Because my “internship” is technically done)
I wish I knew so I could plan for my classes better.
I need to order my books.
I haven’t finished editing the pictures yet.
How will I have time for these whining sessions and school AND work?

We finally get him to a place where he’s okay in bed alone and I go to bed.

I get frustrated and upset about this job because of the not knowing. It makes it seem as if maybe I don’t want it but I do. In fact, the thought of not coming here seems odd to me, I LIKE coming here. I do know that I WILL be coming here still but WHEN? One position starts soon, the other not until October but even if I stop coming and come back in October, I know I will MISS IT.

But the anxiety of waiting to hear and then finally being able to get my shit together is killing me. I hate waiting on other people to get my shit together! I like to be in control of my own shit if you get what I’m saying.

I got home from work yesterday and Rob is asking me what is wrong. He knows me well (and he still loves me!) and for him to be happy, he wants me happy so he’s waiting and ready to fix it.

I tell him my concerns. One of them is my class load. I’m taking three, I know that. I’ve heard one is quite a bit of work. I hear this from an unreliable source but I still let it get to me.

What if it’s too much? What if I can’t do it all? OMG WHAT IF I FAIL? And then I have 3 less credits than I thought I’d have and I’m already down 3 credits because I had to drop one and HOW HAS MY HUSBAND NOT LEFT ME YET?

He says he doesn’t understand how I worry so much about something I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT.

He asks me if I’ve ever heard of, “crossing the bridge when you get to it?”

Hmmm, how long is this bridge? Is it sturdy? Is it covered? Is it a good place to take pictures? I do not say this to him but I do think it and I’m sure he knows that.

(Hi honey, I love you)

I tell him how I feel about Luke and he tells me I need to stop worrying about making him happy. You know what I mean, because there’s stuff that’s important even if Luke doesn’t understand it and he’s right about that. It’s not as if Luke isn’t happy at all and even when I do go out of my way to make him happy, he’s still unhappy about something.

After this conversation Rob sent me upstairs to finishing editing the wedding pictures and I was instructed to order my books. I was waiting to order them because one prof hasn’t released the book yet and I didn’t want to pay for shipping twice but Rob said, “WHO CARES! Order your books, it’s one less thing to worry about.”

So I did. God love him.

I realize I do this to myself. I am not in denial about that and I KNOW I make things a bigger deal than they are but I really have no idea how to change it. I know no other way. I want to change it though. I NEED to.

On a positive note, I have changed something else though…I’m no longer as twitchy about the cleanliness of my house. I let a friend come over last week and I didn’t even go into the bathroom to clean it before she came over.

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3 Comments

  1. Anonymous

     /  August 14, 2012

    if the is collapsed, don’t cross it. Though you will never know it until you get there.

    Reply
  2. Sass

     /  August 14, 2012

    Good for you. Some days I think it is just too late to embark on changing anything about me. I think I’m better off just accepting it. Or maybe I just don’t have the energy right now.

    Have faith. It will come together, it always does!

    Reply
  3. Michelle S.

     /  August 15, 2012

    dear friend, i understand what you are going through. I too have had great stress, struggles and anxiety in the past year. Working, being a parent, maintaining relationships, balancing life is not easy, in addition, your schooling, that is alot to balance. As much as you want everyone to be happy, don’t forget to take care of yourself. It’s just as important that you are happy as well. Set aside any guilt and take time to destress, clear your mind. Stress management, as i’m learning, is an excellent tool to have. Cleaning less, also feels wonderful once you get past the urge to clean everything, all the time. I have two book suggestions that I found to be very helpful. “Choosing Happiness: Life & Soul Essentials by Stephanie Dowrick” and “Be Happy without being perfect” by Alice Dormar. Make decisions that feel right and if you fail, that is okay too. Accept that there is only so much you can do without being exhausted. Kudos to R for giving you great advice and giving you the time you need to tackle your to do lists. Hang in there girl, it will all work out. Love you.

    Reply

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