10 a.m.

At 10 a.m. tomorrow I’ll go to a meeting.

“No feeding tubes….”

“We keep her comfortable….”

“She’s a choking hazard….”

“She will be in a wheelchair….”‘

“This is the worst case we’ve ever seen…”

I heard her ask for her mom yesterday.

She asked for me by name in front of me. I hadn’t heard her say my name to my face since a year ago this month.

One time you might have said something like, “…if she was dead this nightmare would be over…”, because you really thought it would mean it was.

You were wrong. The real nightmare has just begun.

Hospice is where she’s going until she’s gone.

Six months to a year.

Could be two months, could be ten.

I cried into Rob’s chest.

I cried in the shower.

I cried in the car.

And just when I think I’m done crying….I cry again.

I think about when I was 4. And when I was 10. And that one time this happened. The one time I was a horrible daughter. The time she was a horrible mother. What she made every year for my birthday. How these last 4 years were and the 10 before that. How she stayed up late with me when I was sick. How she rocked me every day in that rocking chair with the gold cushion. Her voice when she read me the same book over and over when I was 5. That no matter what you think you feel, your mother is your mother, you are wrong.

How I just want to crawl into a ball and disappear.

 

 

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5 Comments

  1. I’m so very sorry. I am thinking of you and sending you extra strength and love.

    Reply
  2. Jenna

     /  September 24, 2012

    Omg stac 😦 my heart is literally hurting for u. I couldn’t imagine, just couldn’t, no way. Just going thru this with Granny was hard but she was 77! Lived a full life! Was ready to go! This is different & I am just so out of words. I do know that if & when u need me, i’ll immediately drive up there. ((hugs))

    Reply
  3. I’m so sorry Stacey. This sucks. So sorry. Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way.

    Reply
  4. Michelle S.

     /  September 25, 2012

    this brings tears to my eyes. I can’t even imagine what your family is going through. I am available for anything you need. Please don’t hesitate to call. Your mom is in my thoughts. I hope they can make as her as comfortable as possible.

    Reply

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