Enough

I did not imagine I would ever feel this sad when this time came. In fact, I’m almost sure that I have said before that I would be sad but relieved when this time came. I guess it’s because I thought that my mom was going to live a really long time with dementia. I thought she would die of old age or something else. I did not expect that news when my phone rang Thursday night. Even walking into the meeting yesterday I was waiting to hear that maybe what I was told had been exaggerated in someway.
 
It wasn’t.
 
It was actually worse news than what I was told.
 
I am having a very difficult time. I just have to admit that somehow or put in on this black and white screen because part of me wants to shout it from the mountain tops.
 
The feelings that I have had for my mother that I would be “relieved” from when this time came started when I was around 15. Since then our relationship has had significant ups and downs (more downs) but I cannot stop thinking all the time before I was 15.
 
I could never get enough of her. I missed her incredibly when we were not together, I was attached to her at any moment she would let me.
 
After I turned 15 or 16 and she began to change (maybe that was really when all this started), I was so angry with her. I put this wall up and I never took it down for her. Even after I had Luke and she got better for awhile inbetween it was like I was never going to really let her live it down. The wall came down on the inside of me but do you think I ever let her know that? No. Everything that she had given me and I couldn’t let her in, I couldn’t forgive her.
 
I cannot even begin to describe what I have felt like these past 5 days.
 
My body physically aches.
 
My heart feels like it’s sitting in my stomach.
 
How do I do this? Work, school, family, kids, my mom dying?
 
There is not enough of me.
 
I just want to blow the whistle and call time out. I need a rest.
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6 Comments

  1. Erin

     /  September 25, 2012

    I wish I could help. Hugs.

    Reply
  2. It is unbelievably overwhelming. You do what you can. You let go of what you can’t.

    Reply
  3. Jenna

     /  September 25, 2012

    😦 thinkinging of you & sending you love everyday. Sending prayers to you & your whole family for strength during this horrible, sad, frustrating, confusing, difficult, overwhelming, angry, loving, hard time.

    Reply
  4. I’m so so sorry. There’s no way for this to be any easier on you, but I still wish it could be. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

    Reply
  5. Judy

     /  September 26, 2012

    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

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