I hate this waiting game. But when this game ends….I’m not sure I’m prepared for that. I’m scared. I’m not scared of when everything is done, I’m scared of the in between. When we are still all in this room but spiritually she won’t be. Every time the nurse comes in I wait to hear what she’s going to say. She keeps saying stuff I don’t want to hear. No one would want to.

No one is leaving her now. One of us is always here.

I took Gavin for his 18 month well child visit today. Everything seemed so normal. I was laughing with the doctor & we talked about work for a few minutes since I’ll be working with him in my temporary position. It sounds strange but it was nice to be with G at the doctor. Luke didn’t go. I feel like so many things need a piece of me & I’m stretched so thin that nothing gets accomplished quite how I want it to, even the time I spend with my kids.

There’s a lot of family up here right now. I’m the only one not taking a cat nap. I don’t know how to shut down. It’s like the way I deal with this (any situation really) is to keep things moving & get stuff done. The odd thing is when I’m here with her, I can’t do anything. There’s nothing to clean. No kids to wait on play with. I just sit with her. It’s strangely relaxing.

I’m so thankful that I do have this job albeit only temporary. I don’t have to worry about the little things I need extra money for. A few things I bought for her. My dress. A pair of black dress shoes for Luke. God knew what he was doing when he planned that out. Money is probably the thing that stresses me out the most.

That’s pretty much it. I’m just babbling.

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