This is my way

Being in this hospital is hard. She was here for a month and I went to visit her everyday at 3:00. I think about how she was alive then and I had no idea what was going to happen within 7 weeks.
 
Seven weeks. Minus one day. That’s how long, how short, how fast, how forever it took all of this to happen.
 
I hate life for that. I hate how you are just going along and everything can change. Even in a minute. I guess I’m lucky I got to have seven weeks.
 
Ha. Lucky.
 
What a fucked up word.
 
I feel a little more screwed up inside my head than I portray on the outside. I’m not saying I’m not okay, I really do think I am okay, but I just have a lot to think about when it comes to her. A lot of memories. How I miss her but in a way it feels so fucked up to miss her….she wasn’t in her right mind for so long. I go to these places at random times. I kick them right out when I do, I try to stay focused.
 
I cannot believe my mom is dead. I can’t believe I’m 35 and this has happened. Like it’s too grown up for me.
 
Blah.
 
I can tell you something.
 
No matter how you think you feel. A mom is a mom. She gave me life. Who did a million things for me that I can never expressed enough thanks for. It’s not until now, when I look at myself, when I see who I am that I realize everything she did. Yes, she pissed me off and annoyed me a thousand times over…but I’m a good person. She raised me to be that. That was her goal.
 
I used to hate it when people said I looked like her. “Oh God, really?”
 
I think 20 people, at least, told me how much I looked like her during her funeral. (from the pictures, not the casket)
 
I was never more proud to look like her in all my life.
 
I’m going to cry now so I gotta go.
 
I know these are sad and despressing posts right now. I don’t expect anyone to comment or say how sorry they are a million times, but I’m just processing through everything. This is my way.
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1 Comment

  1. Judy

     /  November 9, 2012

    You’re in my thoughts! xo

    Reply

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