No Deal

There are some things, some people…I don’t want to deal with. When did it change? I don’t know. How do I know the difference? I just do.

It turns out no one likes to discuss death after death. What do they say? What IS there to say? The issue with this is that the person who it happened to, the person who is dealing with loss? It’s all they are thinking about whether they want to talk about it or not.

I’m mad that no one wants to talk about it. It’s unhealthy, I’m sure of that. That is no reason to be mad. But I’m still dealing with it. I’m still sad and everything that reminds me of her, is sensitive times one hundred million.

I don’t like it this way. But I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to get better. That frightens me. Does that mean I won’t get better? Does that mean, I’m stuck like this?

Maybe I am. Maybe I am changed forever and it’s going to take getting used to, even from me, the person it’s happening to.

I just know that when I cry because I need to, it still feels so very real. Just like the day it happened, just like I’m standing over her coffin.

She never really knew me. Not like I wanted her to.

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1 Comment

  1. Jenna

     /  April 30, 2014

    A couple people I know (Em included) say it never goes away. Its always there & it doesnt get “easier” it just becomes the new “normal” & u like get used to that. One more interesting thing my friend said was that that overwhelming loss & grief would hit her at weird unexplainable, like unrelated times say while in Target picking out a new yoga mat… She never really shopped at target with her mom, it wasnt a date with any significance & they never exercised together so she’d be like woah uh ok?! I dont get it…And then be sad the rest of the day. It isn’t explainable stac, but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Everyone’s pain is the same. I’m sad for losses, you’re sad for losses…you may cry & i may hide behind humor BUT nobody is WRONG by how they keep trudging on & if you have all comsuming grief, its ok BUT I will say talking to a professional MAY help (& it doesnt mean you’re weak or crazy. U have some real shit to deal with!) even if its for a little while, not forever. I’m here for u

    Reply

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