If I Just Breathe

When I talk about resolutions I always say I don’t like them because they don’t last. Sometimes though I randomly come up with these silent challenges for myself in my head and for some reason those tend to stick. So far it was to read, read, read. I have finished my third book for the year and I’m starting my fourth this weekend. I’ve also made a vow to wear my hair down more. I have to at least start every day with my hair down and go from there. It’s been a week so far and I’m kind of surprised how use to it I’m getting. I am the pony tail low messy bun queen. And when I’m done with that style, which is the minute I walk in the door, my hair immediately goes on top of my head. Sadly it might not make it until the car starts after work. I even wore my hair down twice during two walks this week. Like fast paced on a mission to get some energy out walk.

Not so much energy as anxiety.

Oh the anxiety. I do my best to embrace it. When I find myself in these moments I know I need to do something. I need to run an errand or go for a walk or throw all my energy into the kids. Lately I seem to get anxiety whenever I hear from my lawyer. I really wanted to be in charge of my mom’s estate because that was her request. I want to do the last thing she asked of me but man, it’s emotional. Not because I expect stuff because quite honestly, I expect nothing. Yes, I do want my baby book but God forbid that doesn’t happen, I will be okay. But what I will never be able to do is make everyone one happy. My brother does want stuff. But let me clarify to say he doesn’t want anything that my mom didn’t want us to have but the sticky part is that no matter what my mom thought she was drafting up when she wrote this will, she wasn’t….because her husband has rights to stuff too. If it would’ve been done correctly, the lawyer needed to request that her husband relinquish his rights for it to go exactly how my mom wanted. My brother and I both agree that whatever my mom intended after she was gone should just be followed through how she wanted. The woman is dead, DO WHAT SHE WANTED (and she was fair). So when the lawyer and I communicate and agree that slow and steady wins the race when it comes to this sensitive stuff but my brother wants to move fast and gets angry. He takes this out on me because while we are working together, I am technically in charge alone. I don’t need him to do this to me. I need him to support me. And I just can’t help but feel like the more aggressive we would be, the worse off we will be and I truly feel that if I do the right thing, the right way, good things will happen.

I try to see it from Mike’s point of view….because he does want everything she left us. I only want a few memorable things. There’s more to lose for him…I think. Where I just think….I want this over and I don’t really know how I would feel about him living in her house and us going there and I’m just not ready for that. Basically my mom left us anything that was hers before she married her husband. This includes the house that my parents bought when we moved here all together before my parents were divorced. My parents paid cash for that house so when they were divorced my dad only let my mom continue to keep the house with the stipulation that it was to be left to my brother and I as some sort of inheritance, I guess you could say. She intended this all along and that’s what the will states. So it upsets my dad too when he feels like that’s not going to happen like they planned. I can tell you that I don’t want the house and I have no intentions of making my brother buy me out. I just think it’s wrong for some reason. I don’t feel as passionately about it as Mike does. It’s possible that I take more of how they feel to heart because I am in charge so I feel like they are mad at me when really they are just frustrated and telling me about it and I need to let it go in one ear and out the other.

But like I was saying….when I hear from my lawyer I always have a rough few nights. I’ll be doing great for awhile and then I hear from him and the tears are back in full force. I don’t expect to fully heal from this, I’m aware that I will always have an empty spot in my heart and that some days will be harder than others but this estate stuff seems to be dragging it out. Because the next step is to inventory all of her things and just the thought makes me sick. I would love to go through her things but not in that way, does that make sense?

The best thing I heard when I told my husband that Mike should’ve been in charge was, “She put you in charge for a reason, because she knew you would handle it right.” And that’s when I know that I’m doing it for her and no matter what I have to do it.

Then there is summer. Summer, I am craving you with every breath I take but I’ll tell you that for one year in my whole life I am not looking forward to fall. And this is when my husband would say, “Stop worrying about what’s not even here yet.”

Why is that so hard?

So twice this week my husband sent me on a walk and let I the sun shine on my face. And I felt better. Thank you, my love.Clearly one day was warmer than the other.




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1 Comment

  1. Jenna

     /  March 31, 2013

    No matter what, who or when, estate responsibilities are hard, emotional & frustrating. And no matter what, you know you are doing the right thing, you can’t please everyone & your mom is smiling down on you and your goodness ❤


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