Not everything sucks, but this does

Since my mom died I have had two friends lose a parent. The first one was really too soon for me. Not that it’s about me but I was still very angry at my own loss and I immediately was angry for her. I was angry when she told me what certain people would say to her and I remember hearing the same thing and thinking, why the fuck are you saying that to me?

The only other loss in my life similar to the loss of my mom was the loss of my first baby that did not live past 5 months gestation. I learned then that sometimes people just don’t know what to say but they want to say something and that’s okay. And really, it is. The goal is to absorb the good stuff. Etch it in your mind, trace it with an imaginary pencil so that later when you are feeling sad, you can remember it and play it back because those are the words that you will need when you feel your heart breaking again.

I have this secret, that when I’m feeling sad I like to go back and read the comments people left me on FB after I announced her passing.

Tonight, it was gone.

FB took it away from my timeline. Everything else turns up from September and November but October is gone. I don’t know why I like to read it. I don’t know why I’m sad it’s gone, I just know it is.

The most unexpected people will say the words you need to hear the most. Mine were from a lady I didn’t know but my mom did.

The people you expect to say the thing you need to hear the most, won’t. The first phone call I received the day she died was from her very long time best friend. My Godmother, in fact. She didn’t say anything wrong, she was not trying to be rude but all I could think was get me off the phone with this woman who is saying things about my mom she doesn’t even understand! It was only because while they were still “best friends”, they hadn’t been intertwined in each others lives for a long time. Her view was distorted and it wasn’t her fault. Hell, even my view was distorted.

I think sometimes it still is.

But I was aching to hear something, anything to make the pain feel not like pain anymore. The poor best friend was already doomed because she wasn’t saying what I wanted to hear.

Some people didn’t say too much. Some people just had to look at me, sit on the couch with me, show up when I didn’t expect them to, bake me a casserole and then at my request make me another one faster than I could even say I wanted one, tell me the speech I said about my mom wasn’t stupid even though I know it was and I was a hot mess. That’s all love.

I’m still afraid of truly forgetting her. That I might look back and think, I haven’t thought about her for days, months, a year.

I met this friend who lost her dad today for dinner a few months ago. This was when the news was fairly new to her that her dad might not make it. It didn’t take long for me to realize from her questions that she wanted answers. I had done the same thing to my neighbor who had lost her sister not that long ago; is this how it’s going to feel when she dies? How long am I going to feel like this? I can’t imagine feeling any worse, will I feel relieved or sadder? Were you sadder after the funeral or before? Were you sad when everyone went on with their lives? Doesn’t that just piss you off? How can I be so sad about someone who annoyed me for 75% if my life (this might have been just my question)? Were you just pissed the fuck right off like I am all the time?

Her answers; yes but worse, a long time, sadder and relieved, after, yes, yes, because it’s a relationship no one else knows, yes but not forever.

THOSE ANSWERS SUCKED.  But there I was, saying the same thing to this friend at dinner that my neighbor had said to me.

Because it’s true. And here I am, still sad that stupid FB took away the only thing it has that could comfort me but here I am and I’m okay. I’m still okay despite good for nothing FB.

I’m not an expert on what to say but I can say that the most appreciated comments were memories of my mom. Mainly from people who knew her in a way I didn’t, like coworkers or an old friend from high school. One person specifically said how she was always jealous of my moms hair. She had the best hair and it was capable of any style no matter what the trend, I was always jealous of that.

Oddly, I had never felt prouder or closer to her. My mom, with hair people were jealous of. You go, girl.

It might not be long before this friend who lost her dad today finds herself in my spot, sitting across the table answering the questions that only have sucky answers and feeling that tiny ache of helplessness for this person that you know is about to go through hell, just like my neighbor did for me. It’s part of life. I think we owe to each other to let each other know when it’s going to especially suck but that it’s not forever.

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  1. I’m sitting here in my brother’s tattered hoodie because it was the only thing remotely comforting after today. Loss is so sucky and that honesty helps. I also used to think the casserole thing for funerals was strange growing up until I experienced it and lost the ability to function that way with anything. When faced with such pain, I am continuously blown away how kind people can be and i try to remember that even when i feel awkward around other grieving people. I am a snotty teary mess reading your words, but thank you for writing them (and I am sorry FB was such an asshole and deleted your comments)

  2. I found the posts on FB for the month of October that you have been looking for. Call me and i can help you locate it. XOXO

  3. i can print them for you today and give to you on Saturday. XOXO


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