I wish I had the time to blog more. What happens? I’m not sure. It’s hard to get on the laptop when I get home it’s hard to type it out on this iPad.

I feel sad today. Defeated. Job rejections. Estate setbacks. These things seems to come at me all at once and then I feel it all at once. It puts me in a hole that I can’t dig myself out of. I do eventually every time but when I’m in the hole it feels empty and dark.

I still believe that when things don’t work out it’s because it’s not truly the right thing, but it still stings a bit with each rejection especially when the job seeker specifically tells you how much they enjoyed the interview, how great I am, how they would still love to work with me in the future, how they actually forwarded your résumé onto someone else….but they had to go with someone else. I get that. I get it even more now that I’m more frequently on the other side of the table and just recently I had 2 great candidates but I just knew one was a better fit. Nothing negative or bad to say about the one that wasn’t it was just my gut feeling. And maybe that’s the greater force doing its thing and saying, “Don’t pick that one, its not her path.” But it almost feels sort of WORSE when they tell me all that stuff.

The president and regional HR director have been in our hospital this week. They both sat down with me. They want to know my plans. They want to keep me! But they only have openings across the state. They brought up relocation, would my husband be open to it. Ugh. I can’t move! At least if maternity girl doesn’t come back they said they’d be happy to keep me. By it’s up to her. It is her job after all. She has said several times she is not coming back full-time if at all. Basically only if they let her go part-time will she come back. I hate waiting. But I have no choice. I will need to figure out a different daycare situation which is the biggest stress of all.

The estate stuff makes me so sad. I just want it over. I’m ready to throw in the towel and give my step dad everything. Why is it that I’m just trying to do what the will says and I have no power even though I’m actually in charge of it, but he’s fighting the will yet has the most control?? What kind of fucked up situation is this? We gave my step dad his appropriate notice to leave the house my mother owned & paid for before she married him and left to me but it doesn’t look like he’s going to. He was there when the will was written. He knew this. This isn’t a surprise. She died last October. It’s been 8 months. Why would he do this? He’s gotten money. He’s getting more money. It’s not like he’s not getting nothing. We offered him several household items that we didn’t have to. I’ve been nothing but calm and all we want is the house with no hassle. We know we have to buy him out based on the law but if he pushes this out it costs us more until what? There’s nothing left? I can’t help but feel like that is his goal and it just kills my spirit because you know what? That is so wrong. And inappropriate.

I can’t even keep writing about this. It’s the one thing I don’t let myself think about for more than a few minutes without purposefully saying out loud, “Nope, keep busy.” I get so physically upset and it exhausts me emotionally. I feel sad for my mom. She was so adamant about this.

I hate all these unknowns. Not knowing what any of the outcomes will be.

This all sounds so depressing.

I will say that the week of July 4th was by far my happiest week to date. I’ve had other happy times, don’t get me wrong, but there was a 7 day stretch in there that was just amazing. The weather, the family time, the friend time. I felt the love and I gave the love,and that’s what life is really all about.

But today I’ll be sad and be back at happy tomorrow.

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  1. Hang in there! Mercury is retrograde until the 19th. From the 20th forward, things should start moving along. It will get easier.

  2. Michelle S

     /  July 19, 2013

    i’m sorry that things are at a stand still right now, and lots of unknowns. Just know we are all here for you. XOXO


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