Two Years

My mom died two years ago today. There’s always part of me that wants to go back in time. To this very day in 2012. Where I cried over her bed, where I buried my face in her neck. Where my brother held me and we cried over her together. Where my husband came to me and the weight of him against me was safe. Where I watched my Uncle kiss her 5 times; one from each sibling. I feel close to her in that moment. I feel like she was gone but still there.

The hardest part about this day is not that it’s the day she died; it’s that time moves on. Life continues to happen and people don’t remember. I don’t expect them to. I understand the reality. But it’s odd how that happens. Don’t you know how broken my heart is? Even when I’m laughing? Even when I’m making jokes?

Yesterday I woke up missing her madly yet today, it didn’t feel that way. Not as intense as yesterday. It’s ever changing. Surprisingly, these dates that linger….today, her birthday, Mother’s Day….those are never really when it hurts the most. Sometimes I think I see her when I’m out or the kids do something I want to tell her about or I want her advice on being a mom. Sometimes I just want to call her and say thank you….especially at the end of a long challenging day as a mom and a wife, I want to say….how did you do this? And that I love her so much for doing it.

I just miss her. I’m sad I can’t share motherhood with her. I’m sad that her illness was difficult and misunderstood.

So when I really miss her, I think about our best moments. If I’ve learned anything in two years, that’s it.

“My mother will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving her because I will never stop loving her. That’s just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.” -I don’t know but I loved it

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1 Comment

  1. There are entire days I can forget my brother is no longer alive and others like this morning when I read an interview and start an email to forward the link to him to enjoy. Soon the tears trickle down my face and every day is just another day without him. Your point about time moving on just hits me to the gut and I am so sorry for your pain. So many hugs and kind thoughts to you.

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