Homesick, Work, and Sundaes with Luke

This weekend I’ve been invited to a Girls Weekend. I tried to back out 3 times but that didn’t work out. I mean, yes I could really back out and could be all, FUCK OFF but I’m not going to do that. I don’t really like to go anywhere that involves my husband and children not being there. Minus Target, grocery shopping, and work. And there’s the occasional girls night, dinner, or coffee with my friends but other than that, home is where my heart is. I’m homesick before I even go. I’ve been invited to a conference in May for work which is actually quite a big deal to be invited and yes the overachiever in me squealed with delight when I got the formal invitation but the little girl in me got homesick immediately when I was going back and forth with the travel agent about flights. Long sentence. Probably bad English. Don’t judge me.

Plus there’s all the things I DO on the weekends that are important to the process of the week that follows and when I get home I’ll be all behind and stuff and that gives me anxiety. I guess whatever because I’m going.

I was feeling a little loserish today because….well, I’m not really sure why but then I realized that in the last 10 weeks I’ve gone from running zero miles to running 6 miles straight consistently 3-4 days a week. For 5 weeks I’ve been studying 2 hours a day for an upcoming test that I really really want to pass. I’ve learned A LOT in the last 5 weeks and I still have long way to go but man, A SHIT TON OF INFORMATION. I feel smarter. Those 2 things alone are good and I need to stop that loser crap.

I actually do know why I feel loserish and it has to do with work and how sometimes at work I feel like I’m trying to do everything on my own. That’s okay for awhile but it tends to make me bitter and unmotivated which results in me not accomplishing things at the pace I like to accomplish them with the success rate that I deem acceptable-mainly because I CAN’T do everything on my own and then I tend to sit and stare at my computer. This will pass-it always does. I’m giving myself this weekend to recharge and get right back at on Monday. (But, you know…update resume? CHECK (just in case))

In other areas of life, I’ve sort of failed at some of my resolutions. I really didn’t want to buy things I didn’t need but alas….need it? Want it? It can be a fine line or a really thick one. I would guess 30% have been thick. I have, however, spent more money on experiences and that is making me happy. That was the ultimate goal. We were just getting ready to plan one more trip when the refrigerator died and we decided eh, we can still take that trip but closer to home.

I have done something else that I’m….regretting. Regretting? Strong word. I don’t think I regret it but it is something that I need to turn around and it’s totally doable but I need to be careful doing it so that other people don’t know I’m turning it around until it’s already turned around and it’s too far gone for anyone to notice it changed. This has to do with work and it isn’t negative or positive but it is important to me. Yes this is vague but I’m only really writing it here so I know I wrote it and I’m acknowledging it  for my own accountability.

Luke has cried a drop off a few days this week. Monday was especially terrible. I even got a phone call from him telling me how he loved me a lot a lot and missed me more than anything. Later in the day I got an email from his teacher telling me he had a particularly rough morning with tears and everything because he missed his mom and she reassured me that after the morning he was fine with smiles and laughter with his friends. I got the email at 1:30. I had a meeting scheduled at 3:00 but I cancelled that and left early. I surprised him by picking him up (instead of Daddy) and I took him to McDonald’s for sundaes. We ate sundaes and talked about life. He does really miss me but he thinks it would be better if we could do things more often together, just the two of us. He really likes science right now and he’s learning all about the 5 senses. He invented a game on the playground for him and his friends to play…all the wood-chips are hot lava and you have to figure out how to not touch it. He doesn’t have a name for this game yet but he will think of one soon. He did think of one and he told me on Tuesday (I forgot). He’s still thinking about being firefighter but isn’t ready to make just one choice because running a cupcake shop would be cool too (cupcake wars much?). All of his friends have older brothers at this school and he doesn’t but he will get to be the older brother when Gavin gets to his school which will be cool and he hopes Gavin has his same teacher because that would awesome. He would also really like an extra xbox controller but I told him he needs to earn it. He’s not sure how he feels about that at this time.

I love talking to him. I forget how hard it is sometimes to really listen with the morning rush and the hustle and bustle of each evening. It’s all such a blur. I can’t tell if it’s blurry from spinning or blurry from the slow motion. It feels like both most of the time. A fast slow motion.

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