The Race Against Time

Here we are. The end of 2016. I cannot believe this is Luke’s eighth Christmas. I also know that this could be the last year Luke truly believes in Santa. I really want to tell him. Rob and I discussed it and decided to wait but we will tell him next year. I want to be the one to tell him about the magic. I don’t want somebody else to tell him it’s a lie-because while one could interpret it that way, it really is magic. And it’s so many other things too.

As this year wraps up, I find myself being reflective. I don’t know if it is the end of the year for me or if it’s because my birthday comes at the beginning of the year but this is when I really spend time thinking about life. It’s always been this way for me. Next month I’m turning 40. 40 years of age. That’s 40 Christmas’ if you’re counting.

One might say that I’m having a mid-life crisis. I would say that yes, I definitely am. I’m not buying a brand new red corvette or dreaming of affairs with younger men (because I totally love my husband and everything) but I AM a little obsessive over my skin and how I old I think it’s looking by the day. Because of this I’ve invested in 2 different types of masks that I’m rotating twice a week. I also think my ass is beginning to sag however, when I mentioned this to my husband that I felt as though my ass was starting to look like a granny’s, he responded, “I’ve never seen a granny with an ass like yours.” Like I said, I love him. I’ve come to care too much about where I am in life. It just feels like I’m behind people my age. And that people who are 30 are where I’m at right now….which in reality; I don’t care. BUT THEN! I think about how I have 10 years on them and then I think of how old I am and how basically death is right around the corner and blah, blah, blah, I’m annoying. I KNOW. I don’t FEEL old nor do I think I LOOK old but the number is REAL. And I don’t know, I don’t know if I feel this way because of 40 or if this is something I have thought about  a lot since my mom died. Because I think about it a lot….like when she turned 40 did she know that she only had 19 Christmas’ left? It makes me sad to think of that.

I spent my 30’s in school. I went back to school when I was 33. And I’ll be graduating with my masters at 40 (pretty much 41 by that point) and during that time I’ve interned, hired, graduated, took the PHR exam, got a new job, and just recently got a promotion. That is a whirlwind of 6 years. I wouldn’t change it for the anything because I love my job, I love my life, but what I struggle with is the passing of time…’s going so fast and what am I missing? So writing about this is making me feel really whiny when I HAVE NO REASON TO BE WHINY. Am I the only person who ever wonders how other people do it? What are they thinking? Are they feeling old? Young? Are you wondering what your “style” is when trying to decorate your house? So basically by the end of this whirlwind, which I anticipate to end when Gavin is 18, I’ll be 52. FIFTY TWO. And maybe then I’ll be able to do all the things it feels like I can’t do now. And also by then maybe I can have nice things because boys.

Or I anticipate this to feeling to end once 40 settles in and I realize that life will not actually end at 40 and it will begin as says all the people who say things like that.




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